


if love is a battle, i want to fight it with you.

by jared19cantread



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Akaashi Keiji is Bad at Feelings, Akaashi Keiji is a Mess, Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Bokuto Koutarou & Kuroo Tetsurou are Bros, Bokuto Koutarou in Love, Bokuto Koutarou is a Good Significant Other, Depressed Akaashi Keiji, Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, Love Confessions, M/M, University Student Akaashi Keiji, University Student Bokuto Koutarou, but like barely
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-12
Updated: 2021-01-23
Packaged: 2021-03-08 03:34:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 29,412
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26965246
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jared19cantread/pseuds/jared19cantread
Summary: Love can be beautiful. Love is waking up and breathing in the morning sun, feeling nothing but utmost content. Love can wrap around you and hold you tight, letting you know the real meaning of comfort. Love is energetic. It is exciting. It is beautiful. This beauty of love, is everything that describes Bokuto Koutarou.However, there is another side of love. This is the side that Akaashi Keiji is all too familiar with. It is pain. It is vulnerability. It is emotions. It is trust. It is everything that Akaashi tries so desperately to lock away. Akaashi Keiji is this dark side of love. He has issues. He does not believe he deserves the things that Bokuto tries so desperately to give him.So just how is Akaashi supposed keep everything locked away when Bokuto bears the determination to break through Akaashi's iron walls?
Relationships: Akaashi Keiji/Bokuto Koutarou, Kozume Kenma/Kuroo Tetsurou
Comments: 32
Kudos: 71





	1. College is hard

**Author's Note:**

> Hi this is my first fanfic? Sorry if its bad lol idk im just writing this because bokuto and akaashi are soulmates 0.0

The alarm sliced through the quiet morning air, intense and demanding. Akaashi groaned as he reached over to turn it off. Another bland day was calling to Akaashi's bland life. His first class of the day was an 8 A.M. It was psychology. Oh, how he hated psychology. It was only the second week of classes and Akaashi could tell he dreaded Psychology. The subject itself was not terrible but, the professor's robotic way of teaching was tiring. 

Akaashi stifled a smile at this thought. Is it not ironic that Akaashi hated the bland way the professor taught, when Akaashi himself was the definition of bland?   
He rolls out of the comfort of the bed, relishing in the way the cold air nipped at his shirtless body. He glances at his alarm and squints slightly to see the red numbers. 6:30. Too early. Akaashi grabbed his glasses from the nightstand and unfolds them, setting them gently on his nose. He blinks a couple times to adjust then robotically starts his morning routine. He dresses in a pair of grey slacks, a soft white t-shirt that he tucks loosely into his pants, and a mocha-colored trench coat.   
How boring, Akaashi thinks but, puts forth no effort to change. He grabbed his backpack from its spot next to his bedroom door and sucks a breath in between his teeth before preparing himself for his roommate’s positive energy.

Kuroo Tetsuroo was a perfectly fine roommate. He cleaned up after himself. He never disturbed Akaashi when he was studying. He was barely even home because of their college’s demanding volleyball schedule. He was everything Akaashi could ask for in a roommate aside for Kuroo’s constant gushing over his boyfriend, Kenma. Akaashi could never wrap his head around the feelings that Kuroo wore so proudly. Kuroo was seemingly always happy, always content, always in love. Perhaps, Akaashi was jealous of this. Did he not deserve the same feelings that Kuroo always had? Akaashi did not know, nor did Akaashi know if he was even capable. 

Akaashi trudged into the kitchen and sure enough, Kuroo was already awake singing happily to a tune that Akaashi did not know the name of. Kuroo was hunched over the stove, cooking what was most likely eggs, because “protein is important in a volleyball player’s diet,” as Kuroo always says. He glances over his shoulder, looking at Akaashi.

“Good morning, Akaashi!” Kuroo beams. “Would you like any eggs? Or anything else? I could cook you something else if you would like! ‘m not in a rush or anything! I was supposed to meet up with Kenma for lunch but, I accidentally woke up too early, from excitement or something, I dunno. So anyway, now I am just here waiting and trying to distract myself. Cooking breakfast. Luckily, it’s only seven! Sometimes if Kenma makes plans for later in the day I will wake up EVEN earlier, like five or six! I dunno, I think I just get exci-“

“I am fine, thank you Kuroo-san.” Akaashi interrupts Kuroo’s rambling but, Kuroo does not seem to be offended by this. 

“Are you sure, Akaashi? You missed out on dinner last night too, because you had to study or something!” Kuroo raises an eyebrow in friendly concern but, his tone is still light.   
“I am sure. I will grab something on the way to class.” Akaashi waves his hand in front of his chest dismissingly as he mumbles his excuse. “I really must get going, see you later Kuroo-san.”

Akaashi turns around and begins to walk to the front door of their apartment before Kuroo stops him.  
“Wait, Akaashi! There is a new player on the volleyball team! The team met him yesterday, and I being the kind and generous captain I am, invited him over. Is it alright if he comes over tonight, ‘round 8? I swear, he is cool, he is super funny too! If we get too rowdy you can always tell us to shut up! His name is-“ Kuroo’s ramble is cut off once again by Akaashi.

“That is fine Kuroo-san.” Akaashi says quietly, with a passive face. “I will try to stay out of you and your friend’s hair. Goodbye.”

Akaashi is out the door before Kuroo got a chance to respond. He walks swiftly to class, even though it was still early. Akaashi’s apartment is on-campus, so all Akaashi’s classes are a relatively close distance. Akaashi is walking with intent, so to prevent anyone from stopping him and trying to spark conversation. Or so he thinks.  
“Excuse me! You with the coat! Please, can you help me!” A voice rang from behind Akaashi.

Akaashi’s pace slows at the sound of the voice. It is deep and enticing. Coat? Akaashi was wearing a coat. Could the voice be asking him for him? Akaashi stops walking completely and makes a move to turn around but before he can do so he feels a hand gently tap his shoulder. Akaashi flinches slightly at the contact but, still slowly turns around.

His stare is met with golden, intense eyes. He cannot help but bore his own steel colored eyes into the golden ones. These eyes, they are so overwhelmingly welcoming. They look so happy, so content, so bright. Akaashi reluctantly tears his eyes away, in fear he might go blind from the brightness of the golden orbs. Akaashi runs his eyes over the owner of these blinding eyes. His skin is porcelain and clear. He looks incredibly athletic, clad in a black sports jacket and matching track pants. His hair is spiked up ridiculously. It was grey, with wispy black streaks fluttering through it. Even though Akaashi knew a ludicrous amount of gel was put through it to make it stand so straight, Akaashi swore that his hair still somehow managed to look feathery and soft. If Akaashi thought the man’s eyes were blinding, Akaashi believed that his smile was the literal sun. His grin seemingly stretched from ear to ear, pure and kind. This stranger, standing in front of Akaashi, he was beautiful.

Akaashi blinked once. Twice. A third time, to snap himself out of the trance he was in. Akaashi’s mouth was agape but he made no effort to close it. 

“Hi, there! ‘m Bokuto. Bokuto Koutarou.” He juts out his hand towards Akaashi and smiles his blinding smile once again. 

“Akaashi Keiji.” Akaashi whispers then gulps, suddenly feeling timid. He softly places his own hand into Bokuto’s as he looks up to gaze once more into the golden orbs.

Bokuto’s hands were rough and warm. He gripped Akaashi’s hand tightly and shook enthusiastically. After a few seconds he pulls his hand away. Akaashi stares at his palm for a moment before looking back to Bokuto as he begins to speak again. 

“Wow, your hands sure are cold! Anyway, I am looking for a class, I am new and cannot find it! Could you possibly help me? It is psychology with professor uh-“ Bokuto pauses and he reaches into his back pocket to scroll through his phone, presumably trying to pull up his class list. 

Do not say Ukai, Akaashi thinks. He does not believe he will be able to handle being in the presence of someone this bright for much longer. Akaashi is boring, he would surely bring this happy man’s mood down, and he does not wish that upon anyone. Akaashi shifts his weight between his feet nervously. 

“Ukai!” Bokuto exclaims loudly, looking at Akaashi with hope.

Akaashi inwardly grimaces but manages to keep his face passive and neutral.

“I have him now as well. You can follow me if you would like, Bokuto-san.” Akaashi says quietly. 

Bokuto nods fervently and Akaashi begins walking, with Bokuto quick to follow. Akaashi stuffs his hands into his coat. Although it was barely the beginning of fall and it was not cold outside, Akaashi was shivering. Bokuto begins to babble about anything and everything and Akaashi listens. He nods every once in a while but does not make any effort to actually contribute to the conversation. Akaashi was okay with just listening. Akaashi did not think it mattered what he had to say anyway. 

They arrive at the class shortly and Akaashi makes way for his seat, not expecting Bokuto to slump into the one right next to him. Akaashi wonders why Bokuto would choose to sit next to him. There were surely much more exciting people in this class. There were people chatting happily amongst themselves. Why would Bokuto want to sit next to Akaashi when Bokuto was clearly incredibly social and Akaashi was clearly not? 

Akaashi blinks the thought away as their professor steps into the class exactly at 8 A.M. He begins the lecture immediately and Akaashi immediately begins taking notes. They were learning about a rather uncomfortable topic for Akaashi. Love. Although feelings in general were not an easy topic for Akaashi, love seemed to be the one that made him squirm the most. Perhaps it was due to his roommate of two years being so familiar with it and constantly making him aware of that fact or perhaps it was due to Akaashi being so unfamiliar with it. Akaashi had never been in love. He had never been in a relationship before. He had never even been kissed. He had only seen how people could be hurt by love.  
“Did you guys know that it only takes the brain four minutes for it to decide if it likes a person or not?” Professor Ukai droned. 

Akaashi was jotting this fact down in his notebook because it might be on the test when he felt a now familiar tap on his shoulder. Akaashi did not flinch this time and he turned his gaze away from his notes and towards Bokuto. 

“You know, we only just met, and I think it took me less than four minutes for me to decide that I like you.” Bokuto attempts to whisper as he winks and grins. “I am glad we are friends now, ‘Kaashi!” 

Friends. Interesting. Akaashi feels the corners of his mouth unwillingly twitch upwards into a smile but he quickly places a hand over his mouth in order to shield this from Bokuto.   
“Yeah.” Akaashi says quietly and emotionlessly, although he can feel heat pooling on his ears and neck. 

Hopefully, Bokuto is unaware of this. Akaashi thinks this is true because Bokuto does not point anything out and immediately goes back to doodling in his notebook. Akaashi begins recounting his morning. His day had barely begun, and it was already so much better than the usual blandness he had come to know. What was so amazing is that barely anything had changed in his routine. All that happened was that he had met someone new. Why had this made Akaashi so excited? He does not understand. Apparently, this new person was Akaashi’s friend though. Akaashi was not entirely familiar with this. He had a roommate, and he knew people but, he did not know anyone that he sincerely called a friend. Yet, here comes a stranger and within thirty minutes of meeting, the man declares their relationship as so. Usually, Akaashi would shy away from the unfamiliarity of this but, for some reason Akaashi felt welcomed. He thought this might be okay. 

Classes are not easy. The professors are boring. Akaashi even thinks himself to be boring but maybe Bokuto could bring some spice into his life.

Bokuto reaches over to Akaashi’s notebook and scrawls a messy smiley face on the top right corner of his notes. It was a small, stupid gesture, one that probably should have made Akaashi mad because Bokuto was distracting him. But it did not make him mad. Akaashi did feel something but, it was not anger. What he felt, he did not know exactly but Akaashi wanted to find out. Akaashi looked at Bokuto and Bokuto smiled his blinding, bright smile. 

Akaashi blinked.

College is hard but maybe this, this was not so bad.


	2. Eating is hard

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: ED

Class ended promptly at 9:15. Professor Ukai reminded the class to check the syllabus for the prompt of their research paper that was coming up and Akaashi made a mental note to do that later. He began packing up his notebook and pens. He glanced at Bokuto who had somehow, despite being a ball of energy, managed to doze off. Akaashi bit his lip contemplating if he should wake Bokuto up or just leave. He did not want to bother Bokuto. He looked peaceful. Akaashi figured it would not be okay if he just left Bokuto alone, so he sighed and gently placed his hand on Bokuto’s shoulder, shaking him softly. 

“Bokuto-san, class has ended.” Akaashi says in a hushed voice. 

Bokuto jolts awake and looks sleepily at Akaashi. Bokuto blinks a couple times before coming to. 

“Thank you for waking me up, ‘Kaashi!” Bokuto beams but then he pouts, “Have you eaten yet? I woke up a little late and couldn’t fit breakfast into my schedule. Do you want to come to the coffee shop with me? I will buy you coffee and breakfast as thanks for showing me to class! I mean, unless you have another class or something…”

Bokuto was rubbing the back of his neck. He looked nervous. Akaashi thought for a moment. He did not have any classes for the rest of the day. Actually, that is not what he was thinking about. Akaashi was trying to remember when the last time he ate was. He pursed his lips. It has probably been too long, maybe an entire day. Now that he was thinking about it, he became aware of the empty feeling in his stomach. He was hungry, he knew that much. Akaashi just did not know if he wanted to eat or not. He does not know how he got to be this bad. It started out as Akaashi simply counting his calories. That was not too bad, he thought, he was just trying to be more aware of what he was putting into his body and there is nothing wrong with that. Then, Akaashi began trying to see how low he could get his daily caloric intake to be, almost as if he were having a competition with himself. Each day his total would decline. He did not think that was so bad because he thought he felt perfectly fine. But then, Akaashi started skipping meals. He started going days without eating. He did not think it was anything to do with his body image. Akaashi did not think he was fat but, Akaashi would be lying if he said he did not like the way his stomach would look after a day of not eating. Akaashi just thought it was a good look, and there was nothing wrong with that, right?

Akaashi snapped back to reality when Bokuto started stuttering “Oh, i- its fine if you don’t wan-“

“Okay Bokuto-san, I will go with you.” Akaashi spoke softly. 

“Oh, wow! Really? Okay ‘Kaashi!” Bokuto seemed to shine even brighter than normal. “Let’s go!”

This made Akaashi feel… something. Bokuto looked so happy just then, all because Akaashi said yes. 

‘I will never say no if I know that is the reaction I will get when I say yes,’ Akaashi thought but then quickly became embarrassed, heat rushing to his face. What exactly was that fleeting thought? Akaashi thought that it was completely silly. He barely just met this energetic man, why would he think something like that? Why would he want a reaction from this stranger? 

Bokuto looks up at Akaashi as he is stuffing his notebook into his backpack. 

“Akaashi! Are you warm? Your face looks a little red.” Bokuto queries before standing up. 

“I-um, no Bokuto-san, I am fine.” Akaashi dismisses before turning and walking towards the door.

Akaashi and Bokuto walk to the on-campus coffee shop together. Bokuto is speaking brightly about how beautiful he thinks the campus is and how excited he is to be here. He also explains why he showed up two weeks late, something along the lines to do with a sports-team mix up. Akaashi wondered what sport Bokuto played but Bokuto was already on to the next subject (he was admiring a squirrel that had scurried across their walking path) before Akaashi could work up the courage to ask Bokuto. 

“Squirrels, you know, I think they’re pretty cool. However, my favorite animal? Owls. I love owls, they are just so cool, dontcha think ‘Kaashi?” Bokuto rambled on and on. 

“You kind of look like an owl.” Akaashi says before his mind could even process that that was not exactly something you should say to someone. His eyes widened and he quickly slapped a hand over his mouth. “Oh my, Bokuto-san I am so sorry, I was not thinking, I-“

“’AKAASHI!! Do you really mean that? That is so nice, you are so nice! Thank you! Do you know my favorite kind of owl is-“ Boktuo began talking about different kinds of owls immediately, smiling brighter than Akaashi even thought was possible. 

Bokuto took being called an owl as a compliment. Akaashi supposes he did not necessarily mean it in a negative way, so there is no harm in his thought. Akaashi took Bokuto’s rambling as an opportunity to stare blatantly at him. Bokuto really was a pretty human, even if he did have some owl-like qualities. He seemed so… different. He spoke energetically, waving his hands in every direction. He was social. He was happy. He seemed content. He seemed to be everything that Akaashi was not. His voice was still very much enticing to Akaashi. All of him was enticing. It was embarrassing to Akaashi to be physically attracted to someone like this. He had never thought this way about someone before. Akaashi did not know what to do but, Akaashi knew that he wanted to be able to stare longer. 

They arrived at the coffeeshop after the short walk and Bokuto held the door for Akaashi. Akaashi thought that was a very friendly thing to do for someone. 

Bokuto nearly skipped over to the counter, greeting the cashier before beginning to order. Even the cashier seemed to be taken aback by Bokuto’s energy. He ordered a sugary frappe and a breakfast sandwich. He looked over to Akaashi.

“What would you like?” He asked politely. 

Akaashi’s eyes scanned the menu. His eyes flitted over all the numbers, analyzing the calories in each item. He was trying to process which menu item would be a low number of calories, while also being something that he would enjoy. Akaashi got nervous that he was taking too long and panicked. 

“Ill take an iced black coffee, and uh the same sandwich he got please,” Akaashi said quickly to the cashier, who smiled politely back at him.

“That will be $15.47” The cashier says and Bokuto pays. 

Akaashi was not really paying attention, or else he would have offered Bokuto some money, even though Bokuto said he would pay as thanks. Bokuto grabbed Akaashi’s wrist and pulled him to a nearby booth. Akaashi did not have enough time to react to the contact, instead he just sat down quietly and looked at his lap. He squeezed his eyes shut and heard a buzzing in his ear. He did not care that Bokuto touched him, not this time. He was more worried about whatever he had just ordered. He should have listened more carefully to what Bokuto ordered. Bokuto is a muscular guy, he probably eats a lot. He probably does not need to worry about the quantity of calories he eats. He probably eats greasy foods and works everything off at his sports practices. Akaashi nearly begins sweating because he is becoming so nervous. Akaashi is clenching his fists, one in his lap and one on the table, eyes still closed tightly. He could just eat some of it, right? No. Would that not be rude? Bokuto paid for his food. Akaashi did not want to waste Bokuto’s money. Akaashi feels his breathing becoming uneven. 

‘This should not be a big deal, just calm down Keiji, before you make a scene. You are going to ruin Bokuto’s mood if you do not stop. Calm. Down.’ Akaashi tells himself in his head. 

This does not help, Akaashi is still worried. Akaashi feels stupid. This is such a small thing, why does it bother him so much? 

Akaashi suddenly feels a hand being placed over his fist that was clenched on the table. His eyes shoot open and he looks at Bokuto, who was sitting across from him, leaning over the table slightly. Bokuto’s features were softened, he did not look happy. He looked worried. Akaashi felt awful because of that. Still, he unclenches his fist underneath Bokuto’s touch.

“Hey, are you okay?” Bokuto asked, and for once he spoke quietly. 

Akaashi sucked in a quick breath between his teeth as he stared into Bokuto’s golden eyes. He did not know what he felt, but he did not feel as panicked. 

“Oh, I am sorry Bokuto-san, don’t worry. I am fine.” Akaashi dismissed him, blinking and attempting to breathe normally. Akaashi prided himself in the fact that his voice came out sort of steady, if only a little shaky.

“I don’t believe that Akaashi but, it is okay. They just called my name, I am going to go pick it up but, I will be right back okay?” Bokuto spoke slowly and flashed him a comforting smile. 

Akaashi watched Bokuto’s retreating figure. He breathed in and out slowly. He felt more grounded. That was dangerous territory for Akaashi. He nearly had a panic attack, in front of someone he had only just met. Akaashi hated the thought of that. He did not want Bokuto to have to feel like he had to walk on wires near Akaashi. He wanted Bokuto to be carefree. Akaashi silently scolded himself for nearly letting out such a strong emotion near anyone, let alone this energetic and happy stranger. Akaashi pushed his emotions aside. He told himself to stop feeling. That was stupid, he thought, what he just did. Instead, he focused on Bokuto who was now coming back to the table with a drink carrier with their two drinks and a bag that presumably contained the sandwiches. Akaashi nearly gulped. He hoped Bokuto would not question him. However, when Bokuto arrived at the table he did not sit down. 

“Let’s sit outside, its cold in here and you are shivering!” Bokuto says. 

Akaashi was not even aware that he was shivering. Akaashi nods, his mouth agape, and gets up, grabbing his and Bokuto’s backpacks. He makes his way to the door, which Bokuto opens with his back. Akaashi wanted to laugh. He was going to grab the door for Bokuto but Bokuto beat him to it. Bokuto finds an outside seating area that he deemed worthy and places their drinks and the bag of food down. He carefully eyes Akaashi and Akaashi wants to squirm under his gaze. He and Bokuto sit down. Akaashi thinks this is awkward. Bokuto, still looking at Akaashi, hums and reaches into the bag. He pulls out the two wrapped sandwiches. He places one in front of Akaashi and one in front of himself. He does not say anything as he begins to unwrap his own sandwich. 

Akaashi pulls his gaze away from Bokuto and looks down and the sandwich. The label says the sandwich is roasted tomato and mozzarella on wheat bread. 350 calories. Akaashi does not think that is too bad, considering he had not eaten in a while, and he releases a breath that he did not even know he was holding. He begins to unwrap his sandwich, forgetting that there is a pair of golden orbs still analyzing him. 

“Is that what you were nervous about? The sandwich?” Bokuto speaks, reminding Akaashi of his presence. 

“I-“ Akaashi begins but quickly stops because he simply does not know what to say. This is awkward. He does not know this man, of course he is not going to tell his life story to him. Akaashi thinks it odd that Bokuto was so observant. How could he tell?

“I don’t exactly understand what about the sandwich bothered you, but that is okay. We just met. I will figure it out and I will make you feel better, ‘Kaashi! That is what friends are for!” Bokuto exclaims confidently. 

All Akaashi can do is blink as Bokuto begins rambling again about anything and everything, like nothing had even happened. Akaashi silently thanks him for moving on but still, Akaashi cannot help but hang onto Bokuto’s words. ‘I will figure it out.’ Akaashi wonders why Bokuto wants to figure it out. Why does he want to know? Why does he care? He does not know Akaashi, he has zero emotional connection to him. They had only met hours ago. This was strange to Akaashi. It was unfamiliar. 

Akaashi eats his sandwich slowly and sips on his black coffee as well. Akaashi had learned if you take your time while eating, it makes you think you are full, faster. He is not even doing it on purpose at this point, it is just a force of habit. Each time Akaashi swallows he feels as if there is an imaginary number rising just above his head. Calories were such a strange thing. Akaashi does not know why exactly he became hyper fixated on them originally but, he could not picture himself in any other way. Sometimes he wonders how people can just eat and not think about the numbers. Akaashi was jealous of those people, because honestly sometimes it was such a chore. He could have been saved from a very awkward moment just minutes ago had he not had this issue with himself. It was so frustrating. Akaashi felt stupid. He hated himself for this. Why did he have to be so difficult?   
Akaashi pushed these feelings aside and instead began staring at Bokuto again. He was chewing and talking at the same time. Usually, Akaashi would be bothered by this but for Bokuto, it just seemed so… on brand. Akaashi almost laughed when Bokuto was telling a story about a rollercoaster he had recently went on (Akaashi does not even know how the very one sided conversation got to rollercoasters) and he swung his sandwich clad hand to emphasize how intense the drop of the rollercoaster was, and a tomato flew from his sandwich and splattered on the concrete. Akaashi brought a hand up to his mouth to cover his small smile because Bokuto’s face broke into the most pitiful pout over the lost tomato. It was… cute. 

After they had finished eating, with Bokuto finishing much earlier than Akaashi, they had stayed for a while longer to finish their coffees. Akaashi was glad that Bokuto did not mind how quiet he was. Although, Akaashi admits that Bokuto’s sociality was rubbing off on him. He felt himself actually responding to Bokuto’s stories, when in other situations he very much would not have. It was strange. It was not something Akaashi was familiar with, but it felt okay. It was easy to talk with Bokuto because Bokuto did not seem to mind his short and quiet answers. Akaashi had long forgotten about the awkward encounter he had with Bokuto, as he had felt himself becoming entranced with Bokuto’s wild and energetic stories. Akaashi felt his passiveness slipping, he caught himself smiling at nothing on multiple occasions. Though, once he caught himself, he was quick to replace the small smiles with blank expressions. For once, in Akaashi’s bland life he did not feel worried or sad or bored. He felt something else. He felt good. He felt good, sitting outside a coffee shop, listening to his new friend’s stories. He was not even thinking about the calories he just consumed. He was just thinking about the words that were coming out of Bokuto’s mouth. He was thinking about the brightness in Bokuto’s smile, the golden color of Bokuto’s eyes. He did not mind this. For once, he was not planning when it was an acceptable time to have his next meal, he was thinking about if there was going to be another time, he could hang out with Bokuto. 

Akaashi thinks that eating is hard, but for some reason, being here and eating with Bokuto it was not that bad.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey how yall doin


	3. Socializing is hard

In the middle of one of Bokuto’s stories he glances at his phone and gasps loudly and dramatically.

“Oh my! ‘Kaashi, I have to go, my next class starts in ten minutes!” Bokuto nearly shouts.

Akaashi glances at the time on his phone as well. It was 10:50. Akaashi does not know how they had spent so long at the coffee shop. It had felt like only minutes had passed. 

Akaashi just nods at Bokuto, though he does notice a pang in his stomach. He probably will not see Bokuto again until the next time they had psychology. Akaashi does not understand why that upsets him. 

Bokuto is hurriedly gathering the wrapper from his sandwich into a ball and quickly grabs his empty drink container. He stands up, slides his arms through the straps of his backpack and turns around. He begins walking away and Akaashi thinks it odd -and slightly disappointing- that Bokuto is just going to leave without saying goodbye, although Akaashi would not blame Bokuto if he did that. However, when Bokuto finds a trashcan and throws away his trash, he jogs back over to the table that Akaashi is still sitting at. He juts out his hand and looks expectantly at Akaashi. Akaashi raises an eyebrow at his behavior. 

“Your phone.” Bokuto deadpans and slightly wiggles his fingers, to bring attention to the fact that Akaashi’s phone is still not in Bokuto’s hands. 

Akaashi mutters an “Oh,” and hands Bokuto his phone before his mind could even process his actions. 

Bokuto unlocks Akaashi’s phone and playfully chides Akaashi for leaving his phone without a password. Akaashi does not understand what Bokuto needs his phone for. He thinks that maybe Bokuto did not have service here and he needed to text someone. Bokuto is tapping away at Akaashi’s phone. Akaashi’s eyebrows furrow as he hears a ding from Bokuto’s pocket. Bokuto flashes Akaashi his bright smile, looking accomplished, and hands Akaashi his phone back. Akaashi wraps his fingers around the phone softly, pulling it back and holding it near his chest. 

“I gotta run, ‘Kaashi, see you later!” He grins before turning around and beginning to jog to his class. 

Akaashi’s mouth is slightly parted and he waves a small wave at Bokuto’s retreating figure. Akaashi’s tongue darts across his bottom lip, wetting it slightly before he pulls his lip captive between his teeth. His eyebrows furrow once more, and he looks down at his phone screen. He unlocks his phone, and it opens to a text that he had apparently sent to a new contact. The contact read “Bokuto” and it was accompanied by at least eight smiling emoticons and a single pink heart. He read over the text message, that Bokuto had sent himself from Akaashi’s phone. 

‘THANK YOU FOR LISTENING TO ME TALK AKAASHIIIIII!!!! I HAD A LOT OF FUN AND I HOPE WE CAN DO THIS AGAIN!1!!1!!’

Akaashi feels his face heat at the words on the screen. He had no idea why. Maybe it was the heart that hung on the end of Bokuto’s contact name. Maybe it was the fact that Bokuto was thanking Akaashi for spending time with him, when Akaashi believed it should definitely be the other way around. Maybe it was the improper, overuse of exclamation points and capitalization. Maybe it was the fact that Bokuto gave Akaashi his phone number. Maybe it was that fact that Bokuto actually wanted to hang out with Akaashi again. Akaashi blinks slowly and clutches his phone to his chest, a small smile daring to ghost upon his lips. 

Akaashi suddenly feels very silly. What is he doing nearly gushing over some man he just met? He slides his phone into his pocket. 

Akaashi sighed, shaking off the feelings, and began gathering his trash. He collects his belongings and throws his trash away at the nearest trash can. He begins walking back to his apartment. Akaashi wonders if Kuroo had left yet. He knows that if he had not yet left, he would be incredibly antsy in waiting to leave. Akaashi remembers that Kuroo had mentioned that he was going to lunch with Kenma, and it is probably still too early for lunch, so he would most likely have to deal with his overly excited roommate for a little bit. Akaashi could just tell Kuroo that he needed to study and lock himself into his bedroom but, for some reason he felt something that he had not felt in a very long time. Akaashi felt like being social. 

Akaashi furrows his eyebrows. He seems to be doing that a lot. 

Eventually, Akaashi made his way back to his apartment. He takes his key out and before he even puts it into the lock, the door swings open, showing Kuroo with outstretched arms. Akaashi jumps slightly and takes a small step back. Kuroo looks incredibly excited, bearing a grin that is stretched from ear to ear, eyes closed because his smile was too big. Akaashi notices Kuroo’s face drop slightly once he actually opens his eyes and sees Akaashi. One of Kuroo’s hands move from its outstretched position to behind his neck, as he rubs it slightly, looking a little awkward. 

“Oh. Hi, Akaashi. ‘m sorry. I thought you were Kenma.” He mumbles and steps to the side, allowing space for Akaashi to enter the apartment. Akaashi enters and Kuroo closes the door. “You sure are back from class late, were you at the library or something?”

“No, actually, I made a friend.” Akaashi speaks softly but feels a strange feeling in the pit of his stomach, almost as if he is excited to tell someone about his new friend. 

Akaashi walks to the couch and sets his bag on the floor before sitting and making himself comfortable. Akaashi grabs a decorative pillow and hugs it slightly. He stares at the TV, which seemed to be playing some anime about volleyball. Kuroo was probably watching it to distract himself while waiting for Kenma’s arrival.

“Wait, really? Or are you being sarcastic? I can never really tell with you.” Kuroo says jokingly, joining Akaashi on the couch, focusing on the TV. He leans forward and rests his elbows on his knees. 

“Yes, I am being serious,” Akaashi deadpans. “I helped him to class then, he bought me coffee.”

“Oya?” Kuroo jeers and turns his head towards Akaashi, eyebrows raised. “It’s a HIM? Did ya think he was hot or something Akaashi?”

Akaashi fights the urge to react and instead kept his face passive against Kuroo’s provoking words. Akaashi was gay and Kuroo knew this. Akaashi did not think there was a reason to hide it. However, Akaashi had never been in a relationship before. He had never kissed someone; he had never even held someone else’s hand. Akaashi did not think he would be able to handle a relationship. He did not think he was able to handle the emotional side of things, nor did he want to burden a partner with the all the baggage that accompanied Akaashi. Akaashi had issues, but they were his own and he could not imagine bothering someone else with them. He hated making other people worry or causing problems for others. None of that mattered, though because, Akaashi could never imagine someone even being attracted to him. He did not think he was good looking, or anything special. He thought he was boring, bland. It was a fitting look for his boring and bland life. His hair was dark. His eyes were a dull and dead looking steel color. If you were to ask Akaashi what he liked about the way he looked, he would have trouble coming up with a single answer but if you asked him what he hated, Akaashi would be able to fill pages upon page with ugly words that he could use to describe himself. Akaashi simply believed he was nothing special, especially when there were people like Bokuto that existed. Bokuto was indeed pretty, or ‘hot’ as Kuroo words it. His eyes were lively and rich with the most beautiful golden tones. His smile was so bright, Akaashi will probably be able to see it when he closes his eyes to go to sleep tonight. He was athletic and tall. His hair was feathery and unique. Bokuto was hot, Akaashi could admit that much to himself and he would be lying if he had said otherwise. 

“He looked… nice.” Akaashi’s spoken words describing Bokuto were very simple even though the description of Bokuto that was floating in his mind was not. He could go into detail about just how ‘nice’ he believed Bokuto looked but, for the meantime he will just keep those thoughts to himself. 

Akaashi was surprising himself, in that he was even socializing with Kuroo to this extent, let alone his thoughts on the looks of another human. Usually the main topics of their conversations were about necessary apartment stuff like rent, grocery shopping and utilities, and of course Kenma. 

“Yeah? Really? That’s surprising. I mean I know you told me you were gay but in the two years we have lived together, I have never seen you with a man or hell, even talk about a man. I was beginning to think you were just incapable of being attracted to anyone.” Kuroo says.

He does not say it in an offensive way, or at least Akaashi does not feel offended by his words. He understands that Kuroo is a person who is just very openly driven by love, especially because he has been in love with someone for so long. Him and Kenma were childhood best friends but, they had only recently started dating , even though they had been in love with each other forever. They had each been waiting for the other to confess, waiting for each other to make the first move. Apparently, it had been Kenma who got sick and tired of the blurred lines between friendship and a relationship. He had been the one to make the move. Akaashi simply understands that Kuroo and himself are fundamentally different in their experiences with love. Akaashi was very closed off while Kuroo was an open book. 

Although Akaashi is not offended in the slightest, he still takes this as an opportunity to throw the pillow that he was clutching at Kuroo’s face. Kuroo gasps in shock, rubbing his face although no real damage was inflicted.

“Just because I have never told you that I was attracted to anyone doesn’t mean I never was.” Akaashi says in a monotoned way, though he hopes that his voice is coming across as light. 

“Well that’s the thing, Akaashi! You are actually talking to me. It is… new. Like, just the fact that you are attracted to someone so much that you are telling me about them. I don’t know… just... Like, you are being social right now. I don’t know,” Kuroo is waving his hands as if somehow him doing this would get his point across better.

“Well, you calling attention to it is making it weird,” Akaashi says in his normal quiet and soft tone of voice and looks down at his now pillow-less lap. “I am just feeling sociable right now but, I can go into my room if it is bothering you, Kuroo-san.”

“No, Akaashi of course not!” Kuroo quickly says. “It is nice. I like talking to you. We are friends, that’s what friends should do. Socialize, tell each other about their feelings, their crushes, all that fun stuff. I know I do it to you a lot, talk about my feelings and what not, but you should know that I am always available to listen to yours too.”

Hmm. There is that word again. Friend. Kuroo considers Akaashi a friend? Akaashi always assumed that he just thought of Akaashi as a roommate. That is… nice. It is comforting. Akaashi feels good about this. He does not know if he will ever tell Kuroo about his emotions and feelings though, because it is not something that Akaashi normally does but it is nice knowing that Kuroo would be willing to listen to Akaashi should he ever need him to. Akaashi wishes he were better at dealing with his emotions. He wishes he could sit on the couch and tell Kuroo, his friend, about the millions of thoughts that run rampant through his mind. However, Akaashi thinks that the sharing of one’s emotions equal vulnerability. Akaashi does not want to be weak. Trust is such a hard thing. He thinks he trusts Kuroo but, Akaashi cannot imagine what Kuroo would do if Akaashi were to tell him about all his deepest, darkest thoughts. Kuroo would probably ridicule him. He thinks Kuroo would not want to deal with all the emotional baggage that comes with Akaashi. It would be bothersome. It would be embarrassing. Akaashi is too much. This is why he has iron walls, surrounding himself, and those walls are high, and they are unbelievably thick. They are littered with rusty chains and old locks, many of which Akaashi had long ago lost the keys to. Akaashi believes he has these walls up, not entirely to protect himself- although vulnerability and weakness are incredibly important factors- but mostly to protect others from his burdensome self. But now, now he had two ‘friends’ banging on the outside of his walls, wanting to be let in. They want to ‘figure out’ Akaashi’s problems with sandwiches. They want Akaashi to ‘talk about his feelings.’ Akaashi does not know what to do. He has never experienced this. 

“Thank you.” Akaashi says softly, and he means it. 

“Of course! Now tell me more about this friend of yours!” 

Socializing does not come easy to Akaashi. Socializing is hard. Yet here he is, sitting on the couch with his roommate, knees pulled up to his chest, nearly gushing about the golden color of someone else’s eyes, the brightness of someone else’s smile, and doing it with more ease than he ever thought was possible. 

Akaashi does not know what to think about this.


	4. Mario Kart is hard

You know that feeling of absolute dread? Impending doom?

That is exactly how Akaashi feels as he stares at the prompt for his research paper in Psychology.

 _‘Love is universal. It is recognized across all cultures, but the way people experience love differs from person to person. In this paper, you will research the five different love languages, (acts of service, quality time, gifts, words of affirmation, and physical touch). Explore the implications of each love language and at the end of your research paper, include a brief summary on your experience with the love language that you feel you identify most with. Six pages (min.)_ ’

Akaashi’s mouth felt dry. He blinked at his computer hard, praying that if he blinked hard enough the prompt would dissipate and turn into something that he was more comfortable with. Akaashi felt that the research part of the paper would be easy, mostly objective, the real kicker coming in just at the end. Why in the world, would that old creep Ukai want his students to tell him about their experiences with love? Akaashi groaned out loud, not fearing being heard because he had the apartment to himself.

Kuroo had long since left after about thirty minutes of listening to Akaashi talk about Bokuto. Akaashi remembered seeing surprise flicker across Kuroo’s face once Akaashi had told him Bokuto’s name. Akaashi found that odd but, he did not say anything about it. When Kenma arrived, knocking softly at the door, Kuroo literally skipped as he exited the apartment, leaving Akaashi alone in the apartment. Akaashi figured he would look at the research paper prompt, like professor Ukai had suggested but, now he is wishing that he never looked. Actually, Akaashi is wishing that he did not have eyes at this point. This could possibly be the hardest assignment that Akaashi had ever had.

Akaashi was smart. He did not give himself credit for very many things but, it would be silly to pretend like his brain was not the strongest aspect of himself, or so he felt. He always got good grades and he loved learning. Akaashi was majoring in secondary English education, he wanted to be a teacher. He wanted to share his love of learning with his future students. Akaashi loved school but, this assignment was officially the first one he had gotten that made him want to drop out and instead deal drugs in dark alleyways rather than teach. He had no idea how he was going to write six pages on love, a topic he had no experience with. Especially the part about his personal experience with a love language. Akaashi understood the reason why Ukai had included this part in their prompt, to get his students to connect with the topic. That problem was that no one had ever been in love with Akaashi. How in the world was he supposed to know what love language he identified with? This assignment was completely ridiculous, Akaashi thought.

Akaashi shut his computer and sighed. He was not going to subject himself to the torture of starting that paper as it was not due until the end of the month. Akaashi grabbed his phone before he laid back in his bed, nestling himself into his mountain of fluffy pillows. He unlocked his phone and absentmindedly went to his contacts. He now had four contacts in his phone. His mom, Kenma, Kuroo, and now Bokuto were the only ones in his contacts.

“I sure am a popular guy,” Akaashi mumbled to himself, stifling a laugh at his own joke.

His fingers ghosted over Bokuto’s contact name. He thought for a moment, before deciding that he had nothing better to do, then tapped. He looked at the text that Bokuto had sent himself. Akaashi wanted to text Bokuto but he did not know what to say. He did not mind that this may have been considered too soon to text someone, Akaashi did not care. He thought those appropriate waiting time social rules were stupid. He typed a single word and sent it.

 **Sent 1:00 P.M. from Akaashi:**  
‘Hi.’

Bokuto messaged back, not even a minute later.

 **Received 1:00 P.M. from Bokuto:**  
‘HEY AKAASHIIIIIII WHATS UP?!?!?’

Akaashi was not surprised at the immediate enthusiasm that Bokuto had.

 **Sent 1:01 P.M. from Akaashi:**  
‘Nothing. I just looked at the prompt we have for our research paper in psychology.’

 **Received 1:01 P.M. from Bokuto:**  
‘ME TOO!! IM SO EXCITED ABoUT IT! I LOVE LOVE!!!!’

Akaashi raised an eyebrow.

 **Sent 1:01 P.M. from Akaashi:**  
‘I am not excited about it. I do not have any experience to write about.’

Akaashi sent the message then closed his phone, placing it on his nightstand. He took off his glasses and placed them on the nightstand as well. He did not want to see Bokuto make fun of him about that. He sighed and pulled his fluffy comforter up over his neck. He snuggled into its warmth. He heard his phone go off once. And then again. And again. He huffed and pulled his covers over his head, relishing in the warmth. Akaashi sunk deeper into the bed. Akaashi was always exhausted for some reason. A little nap never hurt anyone. Plus, Akaashi had nothing else to do that day. He did not have work. He worked at a hardware store relatively close to campus. It was small and quaint. Akaashi did not know much about tools and did not do too greatly in the helping customers, but the owner was nice, and money was money. Akaashi did not have any homework due tomorrow so he decided to shut his eyes and rest. He did not set an alarm to wake up, assuming he would wake up in an hour or so.

Akaashi did not wake up in an hour. He woke up much later. The sun had already gone down. His room was cold, and the air was still. Akaashi did not wake up until he heard boisterous laugher coming from the living area. Akaashi sat up slowly and rubbed his eyes, softly, pulling the sleepiness away from them. His mouth felt dry. He threw his fluffy comforter away from his body, grabbing and putting on his glasses before checking the time on his phone. His eyes widened when he saw that it was 8:15. He looked lower on his phone screen at his notifications, which were usually empty. He had three texts from Bokuto, the earlier texts that Akaashi had ignored. Akaashi tapped on the notifications and read Bokuto’s texts.

 **Received 1:02 P.M. from Bokuto:**  
‘WHHAAATT? u haven’t ever had a relationship?’  
‘im shocked…’  
‘ur too PRETTY to NOT have been in a relationship before!!!!’

 _Oh._ Akaashi’s eyes widened at Bokuto’s text. He thought Bokuto was probably just being friendly but, Akaashi had never been called pretty before. He felt his stomach twist. Akaashi thought that was a very nice thing to say to someone, but the way Akaashi felt after reading those silly words on the screen was even nicer. Akaashi set his phone down, deciding it was best to not reply to Bokuto’s message as he did not know what to say. He sighed and stood up from his bed. He looked down. Akaashi realized he was still in his slacks, which were now incredibly wrinkly from his very long nap, and he decided that he should change into something more comfortable. He quickly threw on some gray sweatpants but, he did not change out of his white shirt. It was soft. He reached for the door of his bedroom before he heard a bright, deep, enticing laugh that sounded familiar. Akaashi froze.

Kuroo was having a friend over, a friend that just joined the volleyball team. Bokuto is on a sport team and was new to school. Bokuto must be the friend that Kuroo was talking about. Akaashi mentally facepalmed for not making the connection sooner and at Kuroo for not telling Akaashi. That was the explanation for the look that crossed Kuroo’s face when Akaashi had mentioned Bokuto’s name.

He let out a breath and opened the door, preparing himself to face his two friends. He was greeted with the sight of Bokuto and Kuroo with gaming controllers, sprawled over the couch and staring intently at the T.V. They were playing Mario Kart. Bokuto was turning his controller as his character on the screen was turning on the road, as if that would help him at all. They were both in their volleyball practice uniforms, probably having just come back from practice. Akaashi’s eyes shamelessly scanned over Bokuto, who had not yet noticed Akaashi. The white practice shirt was tight against Bokuto’s arms. His muscles flexed as he twiddled with the controller, pressing a button or moving the joystick, Akaashi was not sure because he was not really paying attention to the controller. He was looking at the grey-haired man. He was looking at the way his hair was slightly less voluptuous as it had been earlier, presumably the gel had worn off after working hard at practice. A few pieces of hair were covering Bokuto’s golden eyes, but they were still as bright as ever. He was looking at the way Bokuto’s mouth was parted slightly. Akaashi was looking at Bokuto’s pink, full lips. Akaashi was looking at the way Bokuto’s eyebrows were furrowed in concentration. There was a little wrinkle in between his eyebrows. Akaashi was analyzing every feature on Bokuto’s face, hoping he could commit it to memory. He looked so good.

Oh my god, Akaashi thought. Bokuto is in my apartment.

Akaashi blinked and glanced at Kuroo who looking at Akaashi and smirking. His stupid smug smirk quickly fell from his face whenever Bokuto cheered and threw him arms in the air. He had probably beaten Kuroo at the game.

“I am the greatest of all time!” Bokuto declared proudly with a grin, eyes darting from the television to Kuroo.

Bokuto saw that Kuroo was looking away from the television and his eyes followed Kuroo’s line of vision. Bokuto’s eyes lit up and his mouth dropped.

“’Kaashi! You’re Kuroo’s roommate? OH! That is just so exciting!” Bokuto shot up from the couch and placed his controller on the coffee table. He made large strides towards Akaashi with outstretched arms.

Before Akaashi could realize what was happening, he was wrapped in Bokuto’s arms, captured in a warm, tight hug. Akaashi blushed at the sudden contact but, his arms were hanging limply at his sides, not used to this physical, friendly affection.

“Yeah, _‘Kaashi_ ,” Kuroo jeered, and while his mocking tone went unnoticed by Bokuto, Akaashi caught it and narrowed his eyes.However, Kuroo could not see Akaashi’s narrowed eyes because Akaashi’s face was currently being buried in Bokuto’s chest. “has been my roommate for two years, always been friends.”

Bokuto peeled away from Akaashi but was still clutching his shoulders as he looked down at Akaashi. Bokuto’s eyes ran over Akaashi’s face and stopped at his hair. He smiled.

“Your bedhead looks great.” He grinned and winked.

Akaashi’s eyes widened. His hair probably looked insane after his nearly seven hour ‘nap.’ After he quickly ran his fingers through his hair, he looked down and played with his fingers. Bokuto laughed at Akaashi’s reaction and released his hands from Akaashi’s shoulders. He turned around and made his way back to the couch, sitting and patting the spot next to him.

“Come play with us ‘Kaashi, I brought an extra controller.”

Akaashi nodded but held up a finger. He went into the kitchen and poured himself a glass of water. He drank all the water in the cup then poured another glass. He was thirsty. He brought his glass back out to the living room, setting it on the coffee table, and sat next to Bokuto who handed him the extra controller.

Akaashi chose to be princess peach. The next race was starting. Akaashi wanted to smile. He truly believed he was a Mario Kart god. Kuroo sucked, so he would rarely play with Akaashi because he would always lose. Kuroo knew how good Akaashi was but, Bokuto did not have any clue what he was in for.

The race began and Akaashi focused on the game, determined to win. Well, he tried to focus. Akaashi would be lying if he said he did not get distracted by the way Bokuto’s knee rubbed up against his own as Bokuto moved energetically, excited about the game.

Even though he was slightly distracted by the owl-like man sitting next to him, Akaashi finished in first place receiving a groan from Kuroo, who came in last, and a shocked expression from Bokuto, who finished in second.

“Wow! You’re really good!” Bokuto says loudly.

“Thank you, Bokuto-san.” Akaashi responds quietly, looking away from the T.V. and staring at Bokuto’s excited, happy, golden eyes.

They continued playing various games for the rest of the night. After Mario Kart they moved on to Just Dance, which Akaashi refused to participate in. Instead he got to watch Kuroo and Bokuto attempt to dance in front of him. Akaashi could not help but let out a loud laugh when Bokuto, during a very intense and wild dance move, accidentally hit Kuroo on the head with his controller. Kuroo fell to the ground immediately and dramatically. Bokuto got on his knees to inspect the damage he had inflicted on his captain. However, as soon as Bokuto heard Akaashi’s laugh he stopped spluttering apologies to Kuroo, who was clutching his forehead in pain, and turned directly around to face Akaashi who was still sitting on the couch. Bokuto had seemingly long forgotten about the man that was wriggling in pain on the floor next to him. Kuroo was being dramatic anyway. He stared directly at Akaashi. Akaashi stared back into Bokuto’s honey eyes. Akaashi squirmed under Bokuto’s gaze. He did not know why Bokuto was staring so intently, maybe he had something on his face.

“I like your laugh, ‘Kaashi. I want to hear it more.” Bokuto says genuinely, and it sounds like he truly means it.

Akaashi blushed.

“YEAH, YEAH, that’s fine, by all means make Akaashi laugh more but for god’s sake please don’t do so by inflicting pain on me, bro.” Kuroo groans as he gets up and shoves Bokuto slightly.

Bokuto laughs his bright, cheery laugh and shoves Kuroo back playfully. Akaashi feels so warm. He feels so included. He spent a school night with his two friends, playing video games, not worrying about anything. Well, Akaashi was only worrying slightly. He only worried a little bit about how often he blushed today. He was only slightly concerned with how many emotions he encountered. He only worried a little bit about how he had reacted when his and Bokuto’s knees were rubbing together while they played Mario Kart.

It turns out even for the self-proclaimed Mario Kart god, Mario Kart is hard to focus on whenever the opponent is an attractive, eccentric, owl-like man child.

Akaashi did not think he minded the challenge, though.


	5. Hammers are hard

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry abt the late update. I had fall semester midterms and then I needed a break from using my brain! Enjoy!

The next morning, Akaashi woke up before his alarm. He decided he would blame his disappointed mood on that fact rather than the fact that he did not have psychology again until Thursday; he would not get to see his new friend, Bokuto, again until Thursday. Akaashi heaved a loud sigh and thought fondly over last night’s events. He had beaten both Bokuto and Kuroo at Mario Kart more times than he could count and Bokuto had accidentally, physically beaten Kuroo with the Just Dance controller more times than Kuroo could count. All in all, it was the most fun that Akaashi had had in a while. Akaashi was aware that to most people, last night would seem like a regular night, but to Akaashi it was perfect. He was social and he was laughing; Akaashi was actually happy for once. Akaashi was not aware that friends could be that much fun.

Akaashi was not in his comfort zone, but he had never felt more comfortable.

Akaashi smiled at the memories, which he promised to keep locked in a special place in his heart. Akaashi grabbed his glasses from his nightstand and pushed them onto his face. He untangled the warm, plush blanket from his body and began trudging through his bland morning routine. He could not help but notice that he felt a little sad at this. He had gone through his entire life monotonously and just one single day of excitement had him yearning for more. Akaashi thought that might be pitiful. He decided to suck it up and get a move on. He was going to be late for work if he did not pick up his pace. He did not have class until 5 P.M. and his shift did not end until 3 P.M. Akaashi was almost jumping for joy at the very exciting day planned out before him. _Not_.

He quickly dressed for work. Luckily, his workplace, being the quaint little hardware store that it is, did not demand strict uniform requirements. He wore light-wash loose jeans, which he cuffed slightly opting to pair that with a long sleeve, baby blue shirt with small pale, yellow stripes. Akaashi always seemed to be cold, and todays shift was going to be rather long, so he decided to go with the long sleeves. He slips on some white, Nike socks and white Nike Airforces. Akaashi grabs the obnoxiously loud and vibrant, orange colored apron that is folded on his dresser and stuffs it in his backpack. The apron has “Takeda’s Hardware” written in bold letters across the front. It also had Akaashi’s name written neatly on it, on the top left portion, on a pocket. Akaashi preferred not to wear the bold orange apron while he was walking to work. It always drew too much attention. He thought it was embarrassing. He would much rather prefer to blend in, and that apron seemed to scream ‘ _look at me._ ’

Akaashi made his way to the kitchen, grabbing his reusable water bottle he had stored in the fridge. Kuroo had already left for morning volleyball practice, otherwise he would still be asleep. Unless Kuroo had class, volleyball practice, or plans with Kenma, the man was bound to be dead asleep somewhere.

Akaashi’s eyes scan the fridge. Numbers fly through his head.

_Calories, calories, calories. It is all too much. Do not be weak. You ate yesterday. Don’t._

The voice in Akaashi’s head never seems to stop. Akaashi feels his stomach tighten as he closes his eyes, and then slowly closes the fridge. He decides to will himself to hold out until dinner, at least. His fingers tighten around his water bottle and he adjusts his backpack straps before heading out of the apartment.

The walk to work was relatively short. The morning air was crisp and cool, biting at the slivers of Akaashi’s skin that was not covered by his clothes. The city that never seemed to stop buzzing, seemed to still. This is what Akaashi could appreciate about the mornings, the quietness. Akaashi was a quiet person, it would make sense that he would appreciate quiet things. Yet, ironically, Akaashi found himself comparing the golden hue of the morning sun to the eyes of Bokuto- a man who was the opposite of quiet.

Akaashi shook the thoughts from his head as he arrived at Takeda’s Hardware. He dug the keys out of his backpack. Akaashi would be opening the store today, he would be alone for a couple hours. Akaashi did not mind this, except when it came to answering intense, in-detail questions about tools from burly men. Akaashi prayed that there would be none of the sort at 8 A.M., or at least not until some backup arrived at 11. His coworker, Konoha was a diligent worker. He was more knowledgeable on the tools that the shop carried, though he was by all means no tool master. Akaashi could relate to him because of this. Still, Akaashi basked in the stillness of the shop. As he finally found his keys and unlocked the door, a familiar sharp ringing was heard. He had to turn off the security alarm. He quickly punched in the code to the device that was behind the counter of the small shop, shutting off the shrill noise. He flipped the light switched on and squinted at the brightness of the lights, blinking a couple times to allow his eyes to adjust. He placed his backpack on the counter and got out the obnoxious orange apron, slipping it over his head and tying it behind his back. He placed his backpack on the floor and settled onto the wooden stool that was behind the cash register. Akaashi leaned forward and rested his elbows on the counter, placing his head in his hands.

He figured that, although the store was technically open now, no one would come in until later. Mornings were always slow. Akaashi considered it a plus of working at a hardware store rather than within the food industry. Coffee shops, diners, fast food places, they all had busy hours with a lot of demanding, people. At the hardware store, there was only a small trickle of customers here and there. Although, at times, the customers could be just as demanding for their tools as they would for their food. Akaashi always dreaded such customer confrontations. He tried his best to be polite to the customers, but sometimes his quietness could come off as indifference and his passiveness could come off as uncaring. Akaashi usually never meant any harm. He was trying his best.

Akaashi felt a buzz in his pocket. _Odd. A message? No. Probably not._ He thought It was most likely a notification from one of his professors.

He pulled his phone out of his pocket and read over the name of the sender.

Bokuto.

His message was simple. A fully capitalized “good morning,” garnished with seemingly a thousand smiling emoticons and hearts.

It was a simple message. Just a couple letters on a screen. So just _why_ did Akaashi feel appreciation spread through every bone in his body. Akaashi wanted to smile. He glanced around the store. It was still empty. He smiled.

**Sent 8:10 A.M. from Akaashi:**

Good morning Bokuto-san.

Akaashi left his messages and opted to scroll aimlessly through Instagram. That is until an idea popped into his head. He searched Bokuto’s name on Instagram, smiling softly at the username that popped up. **_@bok_hoot_o_**. Akaashi remembered that Bokuto held a fondness for owls. His account was public. Akaashi decided that he _needed_ to look through Bokuto’s account. It was just because he was bored, and the store was empty. It was definitely _not_ because of the many, many shirtless volleyball pictures that littered Bokuto’s account. Akaashi thought it was unfair. How could someone look that good? How was he real? Akaashi paused at one picture in particular. It was a picture of Bokuto at the beach during a sunset. The sunset was gorgeous, but it was nothing compared to the grey-haired man. His back was facing the camera, muscles on full display, and his head was turned slightly so that he could flash his notoriously bright smile. His eyes were squinted due to his huge smile, but the golden color of his eyes still seeped through. Now that the beautiful sunset and Bokuto’s eyes were captured in the same picture, Akaashi could compare the two and confidently say that the sun’s golden hue had _nothing_ on the colors that were in Bokuto’s eyes. In fact, Akaashi felt it was unfair to the sun to even attempt to compare the two; the sun did not stand a chance. Akaashi was having a hard time thinking of words that were worthy enough to describe just how good Bokuto looked in that picture. Akaashi let his eyes wander over Bokuto’s back. He had never thought that a back could look so… good. His muscles were, for the lack of better words, perfect. Akaashi really, _really_ liked Bokuto’s back. He thought it strange for him to be so attracted to a person’s back, but to be fair, Bokuto’s back looked as if it was sculpted by the Gods. Akaashi’s mind wandered. It created vivid images of Bokuto in situations that were not as innocent as the picture he was staring at. Akaashi bit his lip hard. He wondered how much better Bokuto’s back would look with scratches running dow-

The bell rang, alarming Akaashi that a customer had entered the store. He quickly wiped his mind of the vivid, dirty images. He did not believe that people who read minds existed, but just to be on the safe side, Akaashi thought of kittens instead. Akaashi was almost grateful for the interruption of his dirty thoughts. Akaashi had never fawned over someone that intensely before. Akaashi had never even kissed someone. Where had these thoughts come from? Akaashi could not help but feel embarrassed with himself. Akaashi shut his phone off and placed it on the counter, with the screen facing down. He stood from the counter, preparing himself to greet the customer. He wandered through the isles before he finally found the customer. The customer was kneeling down looking at different options of nails, back facing Akaashi. The customers shirt was tight, white, and made from an athletic material. It showed every curve on the customers back. Akaashi’s eyes settled on the mop of grey hair that was attached to the customer’s head. Akaashi’s mouth dropped open. Why was Bokuto in a hardware store so early in the morning?

Akaashi blinked hard and the images that his mind had created of Bokuto’s back with scratches down it was back. Akaashi shook his head.

“Excuse me, do you need any help?” Akaashi did not mean for his voice to come out as timid as it did.

Bokuto’s head whipped around at the sound. His eyebrows were furrowed in confusion but, they quickly shot up in surprise, then glee took over his face. Bokuto grinned.

“Akaashi! You work here? That is so exciting! Please help me!” Bokuto nearly yelled, and before Akaashi had the chance to ask, he was already continuing. “I accidentally broke a window at school during practice this morning. I was practicing passes with Kuroo and I got a little too excited and I moved around a little too much. Long story short, I kind of sort of fell directly through a window in the gym. I was fine, it barely hurt! Only a couple scratches from the glass, but really, it’s nothing! What’s more surprising is that I survived the coach’s lecture about me breaking school property and managed to not get kicked off the team. After a long, long bout of him yelling at me, he said I needed to go to the store to get a hammer, nails, and some wood to board the window up temporarily, before it can get properly fixed. He said this was the closest hardware store!”

Bokuto finished his long-winded story, and of course Akaashi had many questions about everything he had just heard but he could only think of one that truly seemed important.

“Are you sure you’re okay Bokuto-san?” Even Akaashi could hear the concern that laced his own voice.

Bokuto grinned in response.

“Of course, I promise! Anyway, can you help me find a hammer? I need one that’s cheap and can get the job done. Coach made it pretty clear that none of the cost of fixing this would be coming out of the volleyball fund, so this is all on me.” Bokuto rubbed the back of his neck sheepishly and turned back to reading the labels on different boxes of nails.

Akaashi stood still for a moment before quickly turning around and heading to the isle that held the hammers. He grabbed the cheapest option, keeping Bokuto’s wallet in mind. As he turned the corner of the isle that Bokuto was in, he stopped dead in his trails. Bokuto was no longer kneeling and looking at nails. He was stood straight up, arms high above his head. He was stretching and yawning. Bokuto’s back was facing Akaashi, in all its glory. Akaashi watched as Bokuto’s muscles flexed through the tight shirt as Bokuto stretched. You would think that the tight material of the shirt would leave little to the imagination but, Akaashi’s imagination seemed to prove this theory wrong. Akaashi’s mouth fell open as he thought back to the picture that was on Bokuto’s Instagram, as well as the images of Bokuto’s bare, yet scratch-filled, back that Akaashi had created in his mind. Akaashi dropped the hammer he was holding directly on his foot.

Bokuto turned around when he heard the thud of the hammer. Akaashi winced and brought his foot up to hold it. Luckily, because of his shoe choice, his toes were mostly protected, but Akaashi’s pinky toe had caught a majority of the hammer’s weight. It twinged with pain. Blood rushed to Akaashi’s face, not due to the pain but because of embarrassment.

“’Kaashi? What happened?” Bokuto raised an eyebrow.

“Hammer slipped.” Akaashi squeaked out, rubbing his toe as much as he could through his sneaker.

Bokuto walked over to Akaashi and placed his hands on Akaashi’s shoulders. Akaashi wanted to disappear. He prayed Bokuto would not question the incident too much.

“Are you okay?” Was all that came out of Bokuto’s mouth.

Akaashi nodded and proceeded to quickly usher Bokuto to grab the boards that he needed to fix the window. Akaashi wanted to move on from that and never look back. He was so embarrassed, even though there was no way that Bokuto could have known what Akaashi was really thinking. Akaashi was embarrassed at the lewd thoughts he was having over his new friend. After helping Bokuto pick the right length and width of board, he led Bokuto to the cash register to pay. He quickly checked Bokuto’s items out and after Bokuto paid, he handed Bokuto the receipt. Akaashi asked if Bokuto needed any help carrying the items outside, to which Bokuto proudly refused and grabbed the heavy bags. Akaashi could not help but notice the way Bokuto’s biceps flexed due to the weight of the bags.

_‘Dear lord, is he aware of how much he is absolutely killing me?’_ Akaashi thought as he willed his face to remain passive.

Bokuto and Akaashi exchanged goodbyes and much to Akaashi’s simultaneous relief and dismay, Bokuto left. Akaashi was left alone in the store to reflect. How had this strange owl-man taken over his thoughts in such a short time. He thought about Bokuto on the way to work, when he got to work, and now here he is thinking about him after Bokuto already left. Akaashi sat at the stool and rubbed the heel of his hand into his eyes. Akaashi had never crushed on someone this quickly, or this hard. Akaashi wanted to say that the attraction was completely physical, but he also knew that he thought Bokuto’s personality was so exciting. It was enticing to Akaashi’s mundane life. He was so different. So new. Akaashi thought that that should be everything Akaashi should stay away from but Akaashi could not help but be entranced by the man. In the short time of knowing him, Akaashi already believed that Bokuto was what happy looked like. Akaashi wanted that too. He wanted to be happy like Bokuto. When Akaashi is around him, he thinks he feels happy. Maybe this was too fast, Akaashi did not know. Is there supposed to be a pacing for initial attraction? Akaashi did not know these things. He had never experienced something like this before. He did not know what to do. He knew he couldn’t chase after Bokuto. Akaashi doubted that Bokuto would ever be attracted to Akaashi the way that Akaashi is for him. Akaashi was not good with feelings but he knew that he liked the way being around Bokuto made him feel. However, Akaashi could not help but feel scared. He did not know much about feelings but knew this feeling well. Akaashi felt like he was a snowball rolling down a hill. He felt like with each interaction he had with Bokuto, he was gaining momentum. The snowball was becoming bigger; Akaashi’s attraction was growing stronger. Akaashi knew that this was dangerous though because after all, at the bottom of the hill the snowball stops. It falls apart. It becomes what it once was: broken. A million snowflakes, all without intent, without purpose. Boring. Akaashi felt like this was almost teasing. Akaashi was rolling down the hill, experiencing the newness that Bokuto had to offer, and he knew that while as of now, he was happy with being Bokuto’s friend and crushing silently over him, it was inevitable that he was going to become broken again. Eventually, he was going to fall apart. Bokuto was bound to get over Akaashi’s soft-spoken, boring demeanor. Akaashi felt like Bokuto did not deserve to deal with Akaashi. Akaashi would just bring Bokuto down. Akaashi was bound to deal with the hurt of his unrequited feelings. Akaashi knew that this pain would come someday. Akaashi was definitely overthinking right now. He was overthinking about this man he had met not too long ago but, overthinking was what Akaashi did. He couldn’t help it.

Akaashi sighed loudly, hating that he was the way he was.

Luckily, Akaashi knew how to shut off his emotions. He knew how to not feel, to ignore. So, he did just that. Instead, he thought about his poor pinky toe. He thought about how _hard_ hammers were. What’s up with that?


	6. "Moments" are hard

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: sad akaashi :'(

The rest of the workday blurred together as it usually does for Akaashi. It was long and boring, as was his evening class. However, during his evening class, Akaashi felt something brewing deep within him. He feared what it might be. It bubbled within the deepest parts of his stomach, twisting around dangerously. It was not easy to explain. He just knew that he felt the precursor of it in class, taunting him with what was to come. He knew exactly what it was; it would happen to him every so often, hitting him like a ton of bricks and completely out of nowhere at times. Akaashi was not exactly sure what it technically was, and he had never thought to seek help to find out. Akaashi preferred to call them his “moments.” These moments were dark, and they were scary. While they never lasted a specific amount of time, each “moment” to Akaashi felt like it lasted years.

Akaashi felt the feeling climbing up his throat as he was walking home from his evening class. His eyes widened and he quickened his pace. He clamped his lips shut. Each breath that came from his nose was labored. The inhales were sharp, sucking in as much oxygen as possible, yet somehow it felt like he was getting none. The exhales were loud and ragged. He glances around and luckily, no one was near. The sun had long ago set. Akaashi was the only one out right now. Akaashi’s quick footsteps were the only thing he was holding on to right now. The sound of them was bouncing off the buildings he was near. He was trying to focus on the sound of his fast footsteps rather than the beating of his own heart in his ears. The rhythm of his soles slapping the concrete was the only thing that kept him grounded enough to hold in the bile that had been clawing its way up his throat.

He finally reached his apartment. His hands shook hard as he tried slotting his key into the keyhole. The key scratched the metal surface several times before it slid in. The click of it unlocking rang in Akaashi’s ears. He opens the door hastily and throws his backpack on the ground. Akaashi felt his face fill with blood and a familiar humming in his ears. He races to the bathroom without bothering to see where Kuroo was, or if he was even home.

Akaashi flings open the toilet lid and gags loudly a couple times before attempting to empty the contents of his already barren stomach. Nothing comes out, but that does not stop the awful sounds that are leaving Akaashi’s mouth and the churning in his stomach. Akaashi is on his knees. He feels tears slide down his cheeks and drool gloss his chin. Every other part of his body was being covered in sweat. Its ugly. Akaashi grips the sides of the toilet seat so hard that his knuckles turn white. Had Akaashi been any stronger, the porcelain would have surely been broken.

Buts that’s the issue isn’t it? Akaashi is weak. That is what he thinks anyway. Not only physically weak but, in every other way as well. If Akaashi were strong he would not be where he was right now. He would be doing what any other college student does on a school night, whatever that might be. If Akaashi were strong he would not be gagging and crying over a toilet seat for absolutely no reason.

A couple long minutes pass before Akaashi can finally suck in a sharp breath, praying that his stomach and throat had finally stopped its attack on his body. He loosens his grip on the toilet seat and allows himself to flop onto his butt. He scoots back until he can find the wall of the bathroom. He lets his head and body rest on the surface, it being significantly cooler than him. Akaashi uses the sleeve of his sweater to wipe the remaining drool that had gathered on his chin and ran down his neck. He allows his hand to fall back down and it slaps against his thigh. His fingers are limp. Akaashi’s mouth is slack and he lacked the strength the close it.

Akaashi wishes this was the end of the “moment.” If this were the end of his “moments” Akaashi would not think they were so bad. Unfortunately, Akaashi is not that lucky. What comes after the retching is possibly worse than the retching itself.

It’s the emptiness he feels.

Now, this is different from the normal day-by-day emptiness Akaashi normally feels from not eating. This is worse. Its complete numbness. Akaashi gathers as much strength as he can to pick himself up off the bathroom floor. He flushes the toilet, and the harsh sound bounces around him. He stumbles into his bedroom, not bothering to turn on the light but making sure to lock the door. He did not want anyone to see this. It felt like he was moving like a robot. His body was on autopilot, kicking off his shoes and pants and taking off his glasses without requiring his brain to think through each process. His mouth was still hung open and his blinks were slow and purposeless. He grasped the edge of his soft comforter and threw it to the other side of his bed, so that he could slide on to the bed and pull the blanket back up to his chin. His limbs were spread out. His fingers and toes were tingling. He did not know if that was because they were asleep or if it was just Akaashi’s body letting him know that they were still attached to him. Akaashi lay flat on his back and he stared up at the dark ceiling. There was a red glow being cast on it from his alarm clock. Akaashi could not find the strength to turn and see what time it was. He felt drool trickle from his open mouth and down the side of his cheek. It was warm as it left his mouth but cool as it made its way and pooled near his ear. It was gross. He could not move to wipe it away. He could not shut his mouth to stop the saliva from escaping. Akaashi did not care. He did not feel anything. He was not thinking anything at all, and he could not think even if he tried. He felt empty. Numb. He felt like he did not know where he was. He did not know who he was. He just could not feel anything. He was breathing but each breath was meaningless. His heart was beating, but what was the point of that if he did not feel alive?

This is what Akaashi’s “moments” were. It was hours upon hours of nothingness. It was a constant buzzing in his ear. It was laying there the entire night, unmoving. Akaashi did not get to sleep that night. He did not get to do anything. He did not get to feel. He did not get to think. He was just there. Existing, but at the same time not really. Akaashi was scared to call it depression. He did not have a degree in psychology, and he had never gone to a doctor to get diagnosed or to get help. This was just something that happened to him every now and then. These “moments” of living but not feeling alive. These intense periods of numbness. It just felt like nothing. Akaashi thought that maybe feeling nothing was worse than feeling hurt.

Akaashi saw sun start to peek through his curtains as he started to come to. Well, in Akaashi’s case coming to only meant he was able to use his brain to overthink. This means he was allowed to properly chastise himself for having, yet another long drawn out breakdown, over absolutely nothing. Sometimes Akaashi had things that set him off spiraling towards a “moment." Other times were just like this. There was absolutely nothing that had set Akaashi off yesterday. He was just living his life. He went to work and then to class and then somehow, he ended up like that. Nothing had gone wrong in his life besides the fact that it was Akaashi’s. He was living his life so of course something had to happen. It’s Akaashi. He has problems. Something always had to go wrong. Now that the nothingness had finally passed, Akaashi felt the aftermath of pain spread through every part of his body. His throat was dry. His knuckles were sore from holding on to the toilet seat too hard. But the worst of the pain was not physical. It was the pain that was spread with every beat of his heart. His heart pumped it through his veins instead of blood. It spread through every limb in his body. And it hurt. Oh, it hurt _so_ bad.

Akaashi began to cry.

Akaashi hates himself. He does not know why he has to be like this. Even when he thinks something good has begun to happen in his life, he just had to go and make himself suffer like this. It hurts _so_ bad. Akaashi wonders what kind of cruel joke this is. If there is a God out there, why did he make Akaashi like this? Why did he have to feel like this? Surely there had to be worse people that deserved this. Or maybe Akaashi did deserve it. That must be why it happens to him. These “moments” last lifetimes for Akaashi. And each time, it hurts _so_ bad.

Akaashi is crying hard. He turns on his side and pulls his knees to his chest, just so he can have _something_ to hold. Its ugly. There’s snot running out of his nose and hot tears are gathering and pooling together wherever they may meet. Each breath Akaashi takes is sharp and is matched with an equally sharp sob. Akaashi is shaking hard. It just hurts _so_ bad.

It feels like hours have passed before Akaashi’s sobs are replaced by hiccups, and even more time before those hiccups are replaced by soft breaths. Akaashi slowly sits up. It is moments like these where he does not understand why he doesn’t just stay laying down. He rubs his hand over his face. It is wet. He tries his best to wipe away the snot and tears. He feels exhausted but he knows he cannot sleep. He has responsibilities. He thought if he was dumb enough to not allow himself to sleep then he better be able to deal with the consequences. He had psychology again today. He cannot miss class. He takes his time getting out of bed, yet he still feels dizzy as he stands. He puts on his glasses before checking the time. He knew it was way earlier than he would normally wake up. Class would not start until 8 and it was 5:50. He decided to take a long shower to pass the time. He desperately needed one anyway, what with all the sweat, tears, and snot that was covering his body. Akaashi felt gross. Akaashi throws on some pajama pants and grabs some clothes to wear before going to the bathroom to shower. While Akaashi is extremely exhausted and all his movements are lethargic and slow.

His shower is hotter than usual. He hopes the steam will do its best to remedy his sore throat and relax his tense muscles. Akaashi knows that he does not feel okay. Similarly, to last night before lying in bed, he feels like his body is moving on autopilot. He just has to make it through the morning; he just has to make it through psychology. Afterwards, he can go to sleep. He can rest.

After his very long shower, Akaashi uses a towel to wipe the fog from his mirror. His eyes are incredibly red and puffy, and his skin looked pale. He definitely looked like he had been crying. Or it looked like he had been hit by a truck. Akaashi could not exactly tell which description best fit him.

Akaashi finishes drying his body before putting on the clothes he had chosen for the day. Usually, Akaashi prefers to dress so that he looked very plain yet put together. However, today he chose to go with a hoodie that was entirely too big and matching sweatpants. He hoped the comfortable clothes would do their best to comfort him.

Akaashi made his way back to his bedroom in search of his phone. Of course, he had not thought to charge it last night, because he was not thinking of anything at all. He found his phone in a pocket of the pants he had shed last night. It had 35% battery left. It also showed two notifications in the notification center, both of which were from Bokuto.

**Received yesterday from Bokuto:**

HOW WAS CLASS KAASHI??

**Received 6:30 A.M. from Bokuto:**

Good morning!!!1!!!1! Did ya sleep good!?

Bokuto. Bokuto was in Akaashi’s psychology class. Bokuto, as in Akaashi’s new happy-go-lucky friend. Bokuto would have to see and deal with Akaashi as he looked like and felt like a complete and utter mess. Bokuto was sure to not want to be Akaashi’s friend anymore after seeing him look this helpless. He might think Akaashi is sick, what with the puffiness of his eyes or the choice of his clothing, or the sound of his voice because of his sore throat. Maybe Akaashi was being dramatic. But there was only one way to find out.

Akaashi thought that having “moments” were hard but he feared that the aftermath of this “moment” might be worse than the attack itself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> poor bby


	7. Walls are hard

Akaashi always felt as if his mind was bounded. It was constricted by the walls that he built himself. It protected everyone from being burdened by his thoughts while at the same time, it forced everything to build up inside of him. He knew this was not healthy. Even the strongest walls will be littered with cracks after they had been weathered. He knew that eventually, something within him would break. His walls would come crashing down, or maybe his problems would overflow and cascade down the stone, burdening everyone that they came across. For now, though, those walls were up. Sure, Akaashi was suffering but he was okay with being burdened by himself. He would much rather burden himself with his problems than hinder others.

However.

Akaashi had never considered that others would seek the cracks in his walls. He had never thought that someone would want to come inside and battle what Akaashi had been battling by himself for far too long. Akaashi had never even allowed someone to be close enough to get the chance. Everyone was kept at a distance. Akaashi did not seek out friendship and friendship never sought out Akaashi. Everyone kept their distance from him, and he did the same to them. His demeanor was surely a major turn-off. He was quiet by nature and he had perfected his passive facial expression down to a tee. He had thought that on the outside, he always looked like the epitome of calm, no matter the storm that was constantly turning behind his eyes.

But as with every storm, there was always a break in the dark and angry clouds. A sliver within the storm, in which the sunlight could sneak through. A moment where the sunlight illuminates the stormy clouds, and they seem more fluffy than angry. A moment where the storm is not a storm- just a set of clouds. A change in perspective.

Akaashi felt the sunlight peak through his clouds when he walked into psychology.

He walked into class slowly, calmly and collected as he had practiced. He spared a glance up from his feet and was met with the sunlight. Not through the windows but through Bokuto’s smile. It was immediate. Akaashi had not waved, he had not smiled first, he was dressed poorly- he had done absolutely nothing to deserve a grin of that magnitude. But there it was.

As he sat down next to Bokuto and offered him a polite nod, Akaashi’s storm became nothing more than clouds in the sky.

Then, Bokuto’s smile faltered. It dropped completely. His eyebrows dropped as well and his golden eyes were clouded with worry.

The moment of sunlight was gone just as soon as it had arrived. The storm reared its ugly head once again, filling Akaashi with guilt and blame for Bokuto’s mood change.

_He can tell that you’re upset. You let your guard down and now look- Bokuto is worried. You made him feel bad. You did this. How disgusting is it that you could dim the light of the literal sun?_

Akaashi’s heart wrenched at the thoughts. Though what he was thinking was harsh, he knew that it was true.

“Akaashi,” Bokuto started in a hushed voice. He leaned in close to Akaashi, who was gathering materials from his backpack but stilled immediately upon hearing his name.

Akaashi did not want to hear what came next. The “are you okay” that was bound to follow. To answer and ease Bokuto’s worry, he would have to lie. Though he had never had qualms about lying to others when he was asked this question, for some reason he just really did not want to lie to Bokuto so soon in their friendship.

“Let’s get out of here.”

It was not what Akaashi was expecting to come out of Bokuto’s mouth. Akaashi blinked while he was processing the words.

“Huh?” Was Akaashi’s eloquent response.

“Let’s leave, hurry, we have like five minutes before the old dude shows up!” Bokuto grabbed Akaashi’s backpack before he grabbed Akaashi’s wrist and firmly pulled him out of his seat.

Akaashi let Bokuto pull him all the way outside the building before he fully realized what was happening. He stopped dead in his tracks. Bokuto felt Akaashi stop and he let go of Akaashi’s wrist and turned to face him.

“Bokuto-san, we can’t skip. I do not wish to get in trouble, and I do not want my grades to drop.” Akaashi tried reasoning.

“Kaashi, its fine. You won’t get in any type of trouble; this is college not high school. Plus, old dude records his lectures and puts them online. I know that because I fell asleep last class and was able to watch it later! Also, on the syllabus, he puts wha- wait have you never ditched a class before?” Bokuto quirked his eyebrow.

Akaashi’s blush told him all he needed to know.

“KAASHI! How adorable! It will be fine. It just so happens that you are in the hands of a seasoned professional of skipping class!” Bokuto says through a smirk.

“I am not so sure that that is something to be proud of Bokuto-san.” Akaashi said quietly as he looked back at the door of the building. He could still go in if he wanted. He would only barely be late, and he is sure that if he pushed Bokuto with his apprehension just a little more then he would let Akaashi return to class.

“Plus, you need to have a good time Akaashi. Let me give you that.” Bokuto looked more serious now as he said this.

Akaashi turned back to Bokuto who had taken a step closer. Bokuto’s head dipped a little to meet his gaze more clearly. Akaashi could see the worry that was floating around Bokuto’s eyes, along with a pleading look. Akaashi remembered how Bokuto’s smile faltered when he had looked at Akaashi earlier. Akaashi now understood. Bokuto wanted to ditch because he wanted to make Akaashi feel better. Akaashi accepted the guilt that had settled in his stomach because of this, but there were also butterflies of hope that fluttered around in there as well. Akaashi felt warm.

“Okay.” The butterflies in his stomach persuaded this answer to tumble out of Akaashi’s mouth.

Akaashi was met with Bokuto’s signature grin before Bokuto set off, clearly having a destination in mind already.

A little walking led them to the Café they had been at on the day they met. Bokuto ushered Akaashi to a seat outside and dropped off both his and Akaashi’s bag on the table before he went inside and presumably ordered. He had not asked Akaashi what he wanted so Akaashi assumed that Bokuto was going to order the same thing they had gotten last time, or maybe if he was lucky, he was not going to order Akaashi anything at all. Akaashi knew that he was probably being hopeful with the latter option and decided to prepare himself for the former option. Akaashi wanted to ignore the voice in his head that was advising him against eating. He wanted to just get over it, for just today so he could enjoy himself wherever this impromptu adventure with Bokuto led them to. He also knows that he desperately needed to eat, so it would probably be a good thing that Bokuto would be here with him to distract his mind while he conquered this meal.

Bokuto came back shortly after with a to-go bag in between his teeth, a Frappuccino in one hand and a black iced coffee in his other. Akaashi went to move the backpacks off of the table but as Bokuto set the drinks down, he stopped him.

“Can you walk and eat? I kinda want to go somewhere off campus.” Bokuto asked.

Akaashi nodded and both him and Bokuto slipped their backpacks on before grabbing their coffees and sandwiches and heading off. They were walking side by side and as they ate, Akaashi noticed that Bokuto had a hard time walking in a straight line. He had noticed that on more than one occasion Bokuto’s shoulder would bump into his. It was not that it bothered Akaashi- if anything he found it endearing- it was just something that Akaashi noticed.

Akaashi had always been very observant but he thought that even more so when he was with Bokuto. He just wanted to take everything about the man in and commit it to memory. Akaashi wanted everything that Bokuto had. His ability to smile so freely, his care for others, all of it. It seemed to come so easily to Bokuto, and although Akaashi had not known Bokuto for very long, Akaashi was sure of these things. Bokuto was so happy and Akaashi yearned for that same happiness.

Long after the sandwiches had been eaten and coffees had been finished, Akaashi and Bokuto had found themselves at a nature park. Bokuto had been leading their walk, telling Akaashi where they were going to turn next, but never telling Akaashi where they were going. Akaashi had not minded; he knew Bokuto was not going to take him anywhere dangerous.

Bokuto explained to Akaashi that this park had one of his favorite nature trails because he always got to see so much wildlife here, and his favorite part was the very end of the trail. He did not let on more than that and him and Akaashi set off down the hike.

It was nothing too difficult. It was a fairly easy and short trail. Either that or Bokuto’s presence made everything seem much easier than in actual was. He was such a good distraction from anything. The shortness and ease of the trail made Akaashi feel that he was undeserving of the sight that had met his eyes at the end.

As the trees began to thin out Akaashi saw the cliff. There was a rickety, rotten looking, wooden fence lining the edge but even that did little to distract from the beauty of the cliffside. Akaashi’s feet forced him to move closer so he could peer over the edge. Below, his gaze was met with what seemed to be miles and miles of greenery. The treetops almost looked fluffy. The morning sun was shining high above them illuminating every part of the nature park. It was so simple yet so serene and beautiful. Akaashi felt a hand on his shoulder as he began to lean onto the wooden fence. Akaashi looked back at Bokuto.

“Careful. Old fence.” He pointed at it before stepping back and plopping directly onto his butt in the grass. “Want to sit with me?”

Akaashi just nodded and stepped back and mirroring how Bokuto was sitting, his arms out behind him for support while his legs were stretched out in front of him. He gazed up at the soft clouds that decorated the sky.

“I come here when I feel down.” Akaashi recognized that Bokuto had begun to speak but he did not tear his gaze away from the clouds in the sky. Bokuto was talking much softer than his normal speaking volume. “It happens a lot more than you might think, me getting upset. You see, I am not the best at controlling my emotions. When things are up, they are up but boy when things are down, they’re down, if that makes any sense. It might not but, hey that’s okay too. Everyone has things they feel like they have to go through alone and most of my life, that’s what I did. I always thought I had to deal with my mood swings by myself, but it does not always have to be that way. I come here when I feel upset because I know that I am not alone. Everything here, it’s alive. This grass, the trees, the squirrels, _all_ the animals that live here, they’re alive. I come here because I can’t possible feel alone with all these living things here. They are all so beautiful too. Even when I feel as if I am at my worst, I come here to sit back and think, at _least_ I have this. I get to exist at the same time these beautiful things exist. Its just comforting to me.”

Akaashi finally turns to Bokuto, taking in everything he was saying. Bokuto’s eyes were already on Akaashi.

Akaashi thought Bokuto was so open. He was so willing to share his feelings and did not seem to have any issue in doing so. He was so free.

“I noticed as soon as you came into class you know,” Bokuto huffed a laugh but it did not seem like he thought anything was particularly funny. “I mean your eyes looked upset when I met you too, but I thought maybe you just had ‘sad eyes,’ I mean some people do. You were beautiful, nonetheless. But man, when you walked in this morning and I got to see your eyes, I swear I felt my heart drop. You are pretty good at keeping your face passive, but you know, you can see everything through a person’s eyes. You had a lot going on in your mind, I could tell. I also could tell that sitting through old dude’s lecture would do nothing to ease the tension behind those pretty eyes of yours. So, I asked you to leave with me. I don’t want you to be sad, so here we are at a place that makes me happy. I’m sorry if that’s weird. It probably is and really forward of me- gosh, I am sorry bro, we can leave if you want. I did not mea- woah are you crying?”

Akaashi felt the wind blow cold against the wetness of his cheeks. Hm. Apparently, he was crying. He had not noticed either. He did not know why. It was just happening.

Bokuto scooted closer to Akaashi and used one of his hands to push Akaashi’s head against his shoulder. Akaashi let his head lay there as he continued to cry quietly as he thought about Bokuto’s words, he thought about Bokuto taking him out here, he thought about Bokuto.

It was not painful sobs like he had experienced last night, but just tears. He did not know what these tears meant and maybe that was okay. He was not saying anything, and neither was Bokuto. Bokuto was not prodding Akaashi to speak about his feelings, hell, he never even asked Akaashi the ‘are you okay’ question Akaashi had feared at the beginning of the day. Bokuto just knew. He just knew that he wasn’t okay somehow and now Bokuto was literally letting Akaashi cry on his shoulder. Akaashi did not feel like this moment was a sliver of sunshine in the storm behind his eyes, nor did he think that this had led him any step closer to solving his problems. If anything, this had something to do with the walls that Akaashi had built. And yes, his walls were hard and strong, but his walls were being weathered. Someone was trying to come in. They were not forcing themselves in, no they were simply knocking politely at the front door, letting Akaashi know that someone was there. He was not alone in fighting this battle with himself. He could never be alone if he had the grass, the trees, and all the animals like Bokuto had suggested.

He could never feel alone if he had Bokuto.


	8. Realizations are hard

For a moment there at the cliffside, Bokuto became more than just an easily excitable, attractive man that Akaashi had just met.

Bokuto was a shoulder to lean on. It did not even matter in the slightest that Akaashi had known Bokuto for less than a week up to this point. Bokuto acted like him and Akaashi were meant to be this close already. Bokuto just had a presence that made himself known, and it would be foolish of anyone to try to ignore it. Akaashi knew this. Just being near Bokuto’s energy had him feeling like he was riding a wave of feelings of pleasantry and comfort.

And apparently, Bokuto was more than just the happy, pure being that Akaashi thought him to be. He got upset too. Akaashi did not think he wanted to see what that looked like, Bokuto being upset. He feared that sight may be worse than anything awful he had ever encountered.

In the wise words of that Donkey from _Shrek_ , Bokuto was like an onion. He had layers. He had the ability to literally be bouncing on his toes one moment, talking animatedly, being happy. He also had to ability to embody the definition of serene, as he was showing at the cliffside. He was still and caring and used words so comforting that they brought Akaashi to tears. Additionally, he could be upset- of which Akaashi had yet to see.

These different versions of Bokuto had Akaashi so entirely intrigued. Bokuto had managed to peel back all these different layers of the onion that was himself and Akaashi was curious about his own metaphorical onion of emotions.

Could it be that the place he was in right now, the sadness, the numbness, the _emptiness-_ was it just another layer of Akaashi?

Was it only a single layer, a single part, that Akaashi happened to be stuck on?

Albeit, a thick and unforgiving layer, but only a layer nonetheless.

_Could there be more to me?_ Akaashi found himself thinking.

The tears dried after a while. Akaashi had not a single clue how long him and Bokuto had sat at the cliffside. Maybe it was minutes, maybe it was hours. Whatever it was, it was okay. Akaashi would rather be here with Bokuto, than anywhere else right now. This idea was preposterous in it of itself. He had basically just broken down in front of this man and instead of wanting to run, he wanted to stay. He felt comfortable staying. It was strange. New. But it was okay.

The only sounds that surrounded the pair was that of the wind rustling through the leaves in the trees behind them, and the occasional chirp of a squirrel or bird. Other than that liveliness that Bokuto had made aware to Akaashi, the pair was alone. Alone _together_.

Their breaths were slow and even and matched paced with each other. Neither dared to break the serene silence, because Bokuto already said what he needed to say and Akaashi could not find the words that he needed to say, so he said nothing. This was okay. Bokuto was not demanding that Akaashi do anything other than exist and enjoy where they were right now.

Akaashi’s head had still been pressed on Bokuto’s shoulder. He had no intentions of moving it for a while. They were both looking forward because if they looked back, they’d see the exit of the trail and right now, neither of them wanted to think about leaving. That place at the end of the exit was real and it had consequences and dark thoughts. They just wanted to hold on to the moment right now, look forward, and not look back. For now, at least.

Whatever this was, it was okay. Akaashi wanted this to happen and keep happening. This world they were in right now, without thoughts, without expectations, it was _so_ nice. It was everything that Akaashi had dreamed of. Even if this was only for a moment, Akaashi was content. He was no closer to fixing anything within him, but for now it was okay.

But now could not last forever.

Akaashi’s cheeks began to feel tight because of the salty tears that had dried there. He scrunched his nose trying to break up the feeling and sniffed a little. Bokuto moved his gaze toward him.

Their eyes caught each other’s. A glittery gold and a glum gray mingled together.

It was Akaashi who backed down first, blinking slowly and looking down. He straightened his neck, if not reluctantly because it meant he was breaking his physical connection with Bokuto, pulling his head up.

“Ya ready to go?” Bokuto’s voice was strong over the whispering wind.

_No._

“Yes. Thank you, Bokuto-san.” Akaashi managed, his voice a little raspier and shakier than he would have liked.

~---------~

­

Akaashi did not realize the extent of damage that little moment of time with Bokuto would do to his heart until after he was home and was able to overthink it.

Bokuto had walked Akaashi back to his apartment. He had another class to get to but he did not leave Akaashi without giving him a tight comforting hug.

Now Akaashi sat in his bed criss-cross, shirtless with soft sweatpants, with mounds of fluffy blankets surrounding him.

He wanted to be there at the cliffside forever. These soft blankets were nothing compared to Bokuto’s comfort. He wanted that moment forever. That moment, it was intimate, right? He had one other friend, but he can’t remember a time where Kuroo had gently pushed Akaashi’s head against his shoulder and held eye contact and whispered sweet comforts into Akaashi’s ear while he cried. That surely wasn’t a friendship moment, right? RIGHT? Akaashi just did not know what that moment meant, but he had developed a hypothesis.

He has a crush on Bokuto.

Akaashi took one of his pillows and contemplated screaming into it but, he knew it would do little to mask his voice. He banged his head into it a couple times instead.

_What._ Bang. _Are._ Bang. _You._ Bang. _Going._ Bang. _To._ Bang. _Do._ Bang. _Keiji._

Surely this little crush of his was bound to cause some problems. Akaashi contemplated making an itemized list of all the problems he was bound to come across should he choose to pursue his crush. A little list of pros and cons? It was very on par with how Akaashi assumed he should react to this situation. He could not just react naturally, no. He had to plan this out and he had to be strategical about it. Feelings don’t come natural to Akaashi and making a list like this seemed to be the only logical solution to finding an answer to this.

Akaashi threw the soft blankets that were pooled around his knees away and nearly stomped to his desk with determination.

Surely his little crush was a much more pressing matter to deal with rather than dealing with his years of pent-up emotional trauma. Surely.

He sat down at his desk with fervor, grabbing a random notebook and pen. He began writing whatever came to mind when he thought about the positive outcomes of pursuing his infatuation with Bokuto.

_ Pros: _

  1. _Bokuto._
  2. _Bokuto’s back._
  3. _Comfort._
  4. _Happiness._
  5. _Onions?_
  6. _AHHHHHhhh_



Akaashi was sure that he could come up with many more positives about trying to be with Bokuto, but he was also sure that the positives were not the issue here. The negatives were the catcher. He continued writing.

_ Cons: _

  1. _Kuroo may get mad. (Bokuto is his ‘bro.’)_
  2. _Bokuto may not requite my feelings._
  3. _Do I deserve this?_
  4. _How do I even attempt to do this?_
  5. _HELP_



Akaashi let his head fall onto the notebook. He considered banging his head into the table but figured that that would hurt a little more than the pillow he had assaulted just moments ago.

He wanted to scream.

He needed to approach this like he approached any research project. That was probably the best method. He racked his brain, trying to think where to go from here.

Interviews. Of course. The answer was surely sitting right outside his bedroom door.

He stood up quickly and let his chair scrape the tile beneath him. He exited his bedroom with the same determination he felt when he sat down at his desk.

Kuroo was lazing on the couch watching anime on the television. He furrowed his eyebrows and paused his show when he saw the look in Akaashi’s eyes.

“I like your friend.” Akaashi announced steadily. His face remained passive, yet stoic.

“Uh,” Kuroo started, clearly confused.

“What do I do about it?” “Akaashi asked, voice unwavering.

He had yet to sit down and was standing straight, fists clenched slightly at his sides, in the doorway of his bedroom. He stared at Kuroo expectantly waiting for an answer, as if Akaashi had just asked him something as simple as what the sum of two plus two was.

Akaashi waited.

Kuroo blinked.

“Um. Hello to you too, Akaashi.” Kuroo tilted his head.

“Hi. What do I do?” Akaashi persisted.

“Come sit, young one. Papa Kuroo will walk you through everything.” Kuroo patted the spot next to him on the couch.

“Please refrain from referring to yourself as… that.” Akaashi mumbled, but sat down next to Kuroo, nonetheless.

“Ah, I can call myself whatever I want. You’re the one who sought out my aid. You’re lucky that I am kind enough to help all my struggling brethren.” Kuroo smirked.

Akaashi wanted to punch him.

“So Bokuto, I am assuming?” Akaashi nodded, and Kuroo made a noise of confirmation before he continued. “Figured. What brought this realization on?”

“Uh,” Akaashi hesitated. He did not wish to divulge the moment that him and Bokuto had at the cliffside. It was _their_ moment and maybe he was selfish, but he did not wish to share it with anyone, not even Kuroo. It was too personal. “We hung out at the Café again after psych today. I don’t know, I just like him. Has he ever said anything about me during practice or something?”

“Can’t say. Bro code. All I will say is that you definitely should pursue him if it makes you happy.” Kuroo’s smirk fell into a more natural, friendly, smile.

“How? I don’t know how to do these things…” Akaashi mumbled and felt a little discouraged as he began to think about the predicament that lied before him.

“Just be natural dude.” Kuroo remarked, as if it were obvious.

Akaashi _really_ wanted to punch him.

“There is no natural way to go about this for me. I’ve never dealt with a problem like this before.” Akaashi pointed out.

“Well first of all, don’t look at it as if it’s a problem.” Kuroo began. “Having a crush, you know, its not a bad thing. Like, there’s so much good that comes from it. That feeling you get before you hang out with them just because you’re excited to be with them, almost nothing compares dude. It’s so pure. I should know, I mean I dealt with my ‘crush’ on Kenma for years before he made the move. I would not have traded it for anything though, it was beautiful. Just being infatuated with everything to do with someone else, its nice, okay? Its not a problem. Plus, you don’t not have to worry about anything being ‘unrequited,’ like look at you dude. You’re fucking beautiful and everything you do is so cool. Bo would be an idiot to _not_ like you. Well, he is an idiot, but he’s not _that_ much of an idiot. By ‘be natural,’ I mean, keep being yourself. If you change anything about yourself to get someone to like you, then they don’t really like _you_ , they like who you’re pretending to be. Everything will work out and everything will be okay bro, I promise.”

“Really? So, what is my next step from here? Do I ask him out or maybe do I wait for him to do that?” Akaashi felt tension in his head as he thought about all the possibilities.

“That depends on what your goal is. You just trying to fuck him or-“

Akaashi punched him.

Talking with Kuroo helped Akaashi a little with his problem-that’s-not-a-problem. He did not exactly have a plan yet, but he knew his course of action. Behind Kuroo’s suggestive language and punchable smirks, there were words of care that were filled with good advice.

Akaashi just had to be himself. I mean that shouldn’t be too hard, right? Acting ‘natural.’

Who was Akaashi kidding? This was going to be hard. Acting natural was going to be hard now that he had come to terms with his feelings for Bokuto. It was going to be extremely difficult, not to mention that Akaashi wanted to be the best version of himself for Bokuto. This version of himself surely could not include the evil layers of his ‘onion,’ or in other words, his issues.

Would Akaashi finally have to deal with these issues before he could fully accept someone else into his life?

Akaashi thought he might be willing to do it for Bokuto. It would not be easy, no it would be the furthest thing from that.

But.

As he thought back to the serenity of the moment on the cliff, he thinks any hardship he goes through for this may be worth it. He wants to recreate that moment, but next time he does not want to cry tears created from pain. He wants happiness.

He wants to be happy. He thinks Bokuto may be his happiness and he _needed_ to do something about it.

Akaashi would need to devise a plan for this. A two-part plan. A plan with Bokuto as the very end goal. The first part of the plan would have the goal being himself. He needed to fix himself first; he needed to be okay first. He wanted Bokuto to have the best version of himself, so he needed to put himself first for once. He did not know the exact steps he needed to take but he had developed a general course of action.

A path to happiness, with Bokuto waiting at the end, much like the nature trail and the beautiful cliffside.

However, this trail was bound to be a lot more treacherous. The end was also worth more than the cliffside, so of course he would have to work harder.

Akaashi can only hope for the best. He hopes he can do this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ppl comment stuff and it means the world to me like fr. this is my first ever fic and just seeing ppl interact makes me go o3o  
> like i know this isnt the greatest or anything and tbh its really self indulging and i just be projecting onto akaashi but like yaknow ....   
> idk its just really encouraging. 
> 
> so thanks sm <3


	9. Paying attention is hard

You hear the phrase, ‘take it one step at a time,’ various times throughout your life. Those steps lead you down a path. There are good paths, while at the same time there are dark ones.

For far too long, Akaashi Keiji has been stumbling down the steps of a dark path.

This path had been so very harmful to Akaashi. They made his life boring and uneventful, and they made him feel numb. Akaashi was not living for anything, he was just merely existing. Everything was monotonous in his life. He lived robotically.

But, yesterday, he made the decision to put himself first for once because of the strange owl man that he met.

He turned around on the steps he had been falling down and he is going to make his way up the steps. He is going to change. He is going to do it one step at a time. Small victories, but victories, nonetheless. He had to start getting better; no one else was going to do it for him.

This morning, as he stood in front of his fridge, he decided to take the first step upward.

Instead of listening to the destructive voices in his head who were telling him that he could not consume calories, he grabbed an apple out of the fridge to eat on the way to work.

On that calm Friday morning, Akaashi took a step out of the darkness.

Just one step, one win. He was going to have to take this slow. He came to understand this fully because as he chewed the apple slowly, he felt sick to his stomach. Each time the apple crunched between his teeth, he felt cold run through his blood. But as he walked with the rising sun, he was reminded of why he was doing this. He swallowed each bite, for the man who had eyes the color of the golden sun and a smile that shone brighter than it.

On the walk to work, the apple was finished. Akaashi was proud of himself. To others, it may not be a big deal. It is just one apple. Nothing major. Nothing crazy. But Akaashi decided that he could have this for himself. This apple was a step toward the light.

And he was going to do this, one step at a time, no matter how small those steps may be.

As Akaashi arrived at the hardware store, his coworker Konoha was already there. Akaashi offered him a polite nod and began his workday.

~_____~

Akaashi had a generally easy day at work. He supposes that shooting a couple of texts back and forth with Bokuto when the store was empty made time fly by a little faster as well.

During the middle of his evening class, Bokuto texted Akaashi again. Usually, Akaashi was very against texting during class because he always tried his best to pay attention, and even though there were no repercussions for skipping class yesterday, Akaashi would be lying if he said he did not feel guilty but still, as he read the notification that flashed across his screen, he could not help but answer.

**Received 5:33 P.M. from: Bokuto**

_hey hey kaaasshiii, wyd tonite ???_

**Sent 5:33 P.M to: Bokuto**

_I do not have any plans. What’s up?_

Akaashi felt his heartbeat pick up pace a little. While Akaashi did not have plans, he could only hope that Bokuto’s plans somehow included Akaashi.

**Received 5:34 P.M. from: Bokuto**

_come 2 the volleyball gameee. @7:30 im startinggg pls akaashiii itll be fun :P_

_hope u come… i gotta get ready ;) bye bye!!!!!!_

Ah. Akaashi remembers Kuroo mentioning something about a volleyball game at the start of the week. He had not really paid attention then, but now that Bokuto was mentioning it, Akaashi was definitely paying attention. Akaashi felt his heartrate pick up a little. He was definitely going to go to the game. He shoots Bokuto a text of confirmation before going back to, or attempting to go back to, focusing on his class.

It proved to be difficult. His wonderfully imaginative mind was wandering to Bokuto for some reason. Akaashi almost started fidgeting in his seat as he began thinking of what Bokuto looked like after the game: his once spiky hair having fallen due to working hard during the game; maybe a couple pieces would be fluttering over his face, framing it. _Ooh,_ and maybe he will be glistening with sweat, but not a gross kind a sweat- just the kind that says, ‘ _I’m a hardworking manly man who plays manly sports with all my manly muscles.’_ Akaashi blinked a couple times.

He absolutely could not wait to see this game. He could not wait to see Bokuto.

Akaashi’s evening class ended at 7:00 and because the game was supposed to start at 7:30, Akaashi decided to head straight there, figuring he did not have a reason to stop by the apartment.

After a brisk walk, Akaashi arrived and the universities gymnasium where the volleyball games were held. Akaashi could only hope that he would find a good seat as the university’s volleyball team was quite good and in turn, they were quite popular. He paid for a student ticket before entering the gym. It was absolutely packed. Akaashi felt awkward as he was shuffling around trying to find a seat in the crowded stadium, so he decided to act like he was busy on his phone. Conveniently, as he pulled out his phone, he felt it buzz and a notification popped up, indicating he had received a message on Instagram.

**From: kenma.k**

_kuroo told me u were coming so i saved u a seat. left side, 3 rd row. i’m wearing a red jacket if that helps, idk. _

Akaashi had never felt more grateful for his roommate. He was sure he was going to have to stand for the entirety of the game and had already given up hope on ever finding a seat. He made his way towards Kenma, utilizing the directions that he had sent Akaashi.

Akaashi had known Kenma for the same duration that he had known Kuroo. Akaashi and Kenma were never close per say. While Kenma had spent plenty of time at Akaashi’s apartment because of Kuroo, Akaashi was also sure that he could count the number of times he and Kenma had actually interacted on one hand. It wasn’t that there was any sort of animosity between the two of them, it was just that Kenma was a quiet, unsocial person and so was Akaashi. Neither was going to make any effort to speak to the other. They always offered each other polite nods and small smiles, they just did not speak and that was fine.

Akaashi thought that he might make an effort to change that tonight though. It was the first time he and Kenma had ever been together, without Kuroo. If Akaashi was home while Kenma and Kuroo were hanging out, he would always try to hide in his room but there had been a couple times where Akaashi was watching a movie on the couch and Kenma and Kuroo had joined them. It was always Kenma _and_ Kuroo though, so Akaashi was curious as to how he and Kenma were going to interact during the game.

Akaashi was going to be friendly though; he was going to try.

He hoped that maybe he could gain another friend. Maybe this could count as another step towards Akaashi’s goal of happiness.

As he sat down next to Kenma, Akaashi decided that he was going to do more than the polite nod that he would usually opt for in this situation.

“Hello, Kenma. Thank you for saving me a seat. It was very thoughtful of you.” Akaashi offered a small, friendly smile as he got as comfortable as he could on the metal bleachers.

“Oh, its nothing,” Kenma murmured and looked up slightly from his phone, which was about a centimeter away from his nose. “Figured it was going to be packed, because it’s the first game of the season and all.”

“Yeah,” Akaashi let his eyes drift towards the court as he continued to speak. “There is no way I would have gotten a seat coming this late and all. They are about to start.”

Akaashi saw Kenma nod from his peripheral vision. Kenma stuffed his phone in his hoodie pocket and looked at the court as well. Being in the third row, they had a great view of the court. Akaashi could not help but wonder how early Kenma had arrived to get a seat like this. Maybe he had come with Kuroo and arrived at the same time as the team had to show up so that they had sufficient time to warm up. Akaashi thought of what Kenma had to do to defend the empty seat from the vultures. Many people were still standing on either side of the court, presumably grumbling about having to stand for the duration of the game.

Akaashi began unconsciously searching for Bokuto. His eyes were scanning the court, looking for spiky gray hair or a blinding smile, whichever caught his eye first. Or maybe he would hear Bokuto’s boisterous laugh and that would help guide his eyes to the source. Eventually, Akaashi spotted him and his breath caught in his throat at the sight. Bokuto was clad in a white and black volleyball uniform, with gold accents. He was wearing long, black knee pads that disappeared under his shorts and stopped just at the top of his calves. And _Oh._ His calves were a _sight._ Actually, Akaashi decided that every part of skin that the uniformed showed was a sight. Akaashi was fine with sitting in the third row but the sight that was Bokuto made him wish they were just a little closer. If they were closer, Akaashi might be able to see every groove of muscle ripple as Bokuto flexed while he picked up a volleyball or maybe he would be able to see the various veins that ran down Bokuto’s forearms. For now, though, Akaashi decided that he would push his glasses further up his nose, lean forward with his elbows on his knees, and squint hoping to magnify his vision in any way.

Next game, he would have to come earlier and get a front row seat because Bokuto looked absolutely delicious.

Akaashi heard the official call for the captains and coaches of both teams to meet and shake hands. Kuroo jogged over to the official and Akaashi took this opportunity to size up the other team.

Akaashi was sizing up the team but he actually was not quite sure what he was supposed to be looking for. He had only gone to a handful of Kuroo’s games before, never really a fan of the loud sporty atmosphere, nor really being a fan of sports in general. Akaashi noted that the other team’s players were tall. He looked back at Kuroo’s team.

They were all tall too.

_‘Damn. Sports are complicated.’_ Akaashi thought as he shook his head.

Akaashi watched as Kuroo jogged back over to his team and called them in to huddle. Akaashi thought that was very captain-like of him. He could only imagine what type of things Kuroo was saying to hype up his team.

Akaashi thought about what he would say if he was the captain of something. Maybe he would give his team a couple back pats and a ‘ _go get ‘em, tigers.’_ Yeah. That would surely get any group’s blood boiling.

Akaashi shook his captain fantasy out of his head as Kuroo broke apart the group huddle with a couple of ‘hoots.’ Everyone took their positions, but not before Kuroo grasped Bokuto’s shoulder and whispered something in his ear that made that ear-to-ear grin stretch across his face.

Kuroo patted Bokuto on his back before he got in position.

_Good move, Captain Kuroo, good move._

Akaashi pushed himself to the front of his seat, way too excited for the game to start.

He does not know too much about the point system, or anything to do with volleyball for that matter but Akaashi was going to try to pay attention. He thought Bokuto might like it if he picked up a few things about volleyball.

The other team served and one of our players made the receive. The ball flew through the air and toward a player with light brown hair, near the net. Akaashi heard Bokuto shout “Here!” and the brown-haired player sent the ball towards Bokuto, calling his name.

Akaashi watched with nothing short of astonishment as Bokuto soared through the air, back arched, with his arm high above his head. In a blur of motion, his arm swiped down and connected with the ball with a _smack_ , and then it connected with the floor on the other side of the net with an even louder _smack._ Bokuto landed back on the court and pumped his fist in celebration, high fiving Kuroo who was celebrating with him already.

Akaashi thinks he might finally understand the appeal of sports. It was unlike anything that Akaashi had ever seen in his entire twenty years of life.

“Wow,” Akaashi sighed under his breath. He didn’t take his eyes off the court.

Akaashi remembers how he was supposed to be paying attention to the point system but after that, Akaashi completely understood that he would just have to research it at a later time because it was going to be increasingly hard to pay attention to anything other than Bokuto during this game.

How was he supposed to pay attention to some stupid, irrelevant numbers when Bokuto was out on the court being so deliciously distracting.

That officially marks the second time that night that he had gotten distracted from something because of Bokuto.

Akaashi decided that he is perfectly fine with being distracted every once in a while.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> swag B-)


	10. Maintaining composure is hard

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> two updates within like five hours of each other? ;) who AM i ??

As it turns out, those stupid, irrelevant numbers were actually pretty relevant.

They were still stupid, though, Akaashi was not yet willing to give that label up.

Those _stupid_ numbers were very much relevant when they meant that Kuroo and Bokuto’s team had won their first match of the season. They had absolutely crushed the other team. Akaashi doubted they had much of a chance after watching the way Bokuto scored them their first point.

Those _stupid_ numbers were very much relevant when they made Bokuto smile and celebrate like that. He was literally bouncing around the court, with his brighter-than-the-sun smile. He was _double_ high fiving every single one of his teammates, even those on the bench. His coach tried to hide behind the water cooler and away from Bokuto’s excitement, but he was not quite that lucky. His coach got extra high fives.

Akaashi thought that if Bokuto ever tried to give him a high five like that, then Akaashi’s arms were sure to snap in two.

Akaashi glanced at Kenma.

He and Akaashi had made small talk throughout the game. It was nothing major but, it was more than the two had talked in the entire two years of knowing each other.

Kenma was back to looing at his phone, tapping away. He had not made a move to leave yet and there were loads of people shuffling down the bleachers and towards the exit. Akaashi thought that Kenma had the right idea of staying put.

Akaashi thought now was a good time to make the move of friendship on Kenma. He took a deep breath and prepared himself for the feat.

“Hey Kenma, can I have your phone number? That way next time you don’t have to message me on Instagram.” Akaashi asked, speaking a little louder than normal so that he would be heard over the sound of shuffling feet and the celebrating team.

“Yeah, sure.” Kenma glanced at Akaashi before tapping away at his phone.

He handed his phone to Akaashi and the screen was already pulled up to an empty contact sheet. Akaashi filled it out with his name and number before handing it back to Kenma. Akaashi’s smile was not as small as the normal polite smile he gives. His teeth might have even peeked through but, he could not help it. He was kind of excited to have someone like Kenma as a friend. Sure, Kenma would have to text Akaashi first because Akaashi did not have his number yet but, Akaashi could wait. Now at least, Akaashi was an option. He thought him and Kenma could be good friends. Their demeanors are very similar in many ways and the small talk they made throughout the game came easily.

Akaashi would count it as another small victory for himself.

Akaashi sat still while the crowd thinned out. He had not noticed when, but both the teams had exited the court. His eyebrows furrowed and a small frown made its way on his lips.

“They’re in the locker rooms. We can meet them outside.” Kenma glanced around at the amount of people in the crowd. “If you are willing to wait a little longer, we can go meet them together.”

Akaashi nodded. It was pretty obvious that Kenma was not a fan of the hustle and bustle of the crowd, or maybe the size of the crowd in general. Akaashi could not help but find it cute that even though Kenma did not like the crowds, he still made an effort to come watch Kuroo play.

After Kenma deemed the size of the crowd bearable, (at that point, it could barely be called a crowd because there were hardly any people left) they made their way towards the exit. Kenma was slightly ahead of Akaashi, leading them because Akaashi did not really know where they were going. Kenma led them outside of the gymnasium and then to a small building right next to it. Akaashi assumed this was the locker room.

Akaashi and Kenma waited in a comfortable silence.

After a couple minutes, the doors busted open and Bokuto was the first one out. His hair was sticking flat to his head and fell in chunks to his cheek bones. His hair was soaking wet. Akaashi was a little bummed he did not get to see after-game sweaty Bokuto, but he supposes that after-shower Bokuto would suffice for now. He was wearing white and black tracksuit bottoms with Fukurodani’s mascot on one of the legs, and a white cotton shirt that was sticking to his wet body. He was holding his school jacket in his hands and he was literally bouncing to where Akaashi and Kenma were standing, with the usual, or maybe somehow even wider, grin on his face. Bokuto stretched out his arms and had his target set on Akaashi.

“AKAA-AGH-“

Bokuto’s greeting was interrupted by a white towel being wrapped around his head, accompanied with Kuroo standing behind him cackling loudly at the noises of struggle that were coming out of Bokuto’s mouth. Kuroo rubbed the towel furiously around Bokuto’s head, drying his hair, as Bokuto tried desperately to swat away his attacker. Kuroo was _really_ making sure he got the job done because the towel was being wrapped and rubbed harshly around Bokuto’s _entire_ head, covering not only his hair but his eyes, ears, and mouth as well.

“Don’t go outside with wet hair! You’ll get sick, you idiot. You didn’t even attempt to dry off, bro.” Kuroo chided, as he finished off the job, letting the towel fall around Bokuto’s neck.

“Your hair is not dry either.” Kenma pointed out flatly, with a raised eyebrow.

“Well duh, Kenma. A good captain, takes care of their teammates before taking care of their self.” Kuroo announced with a puffed chest and a pointed finger.

“You did not have to dry my entire head, dude.” Bokuto pouted slightly, bottom lip jutting out as he stared back at Kuroo. “Pretty sure you almost broke my neck.”

“Eyebrows are hair too.” Kuroo said in a matter-of-fact tone. “I was just being extra safe. I don’t want you to get sick.”

Bokuto rolled his eyes before turning back to Akaashi and gaining back his giddiness.

He wasted no time in wrapping his arms around Akaashi tightly and picking him up, maybe a centimeter or two off of the ground. Akaashi wanted to say that Bokuto felt all warm and cuddly when he hugged him but, in all actuality, Bokuto just felt… really damp. Bokuto really didn’t attempt to dry off.

“You should dry off next time Bokuto-san.” Akaashi commented as he was safely set back on the ground.

“Okay, I will! I will! Sorry, I was too excited to see what you thought!” Bokuto grinned. His eyes lit up as he seemed to remember something. “AGAASHI! Guess what! Kuroo said that the whole team is going out to an _owl_ themed restaurant! I did not even know that they existed. It was Kuroo’s idea, he found it, he found the owl restaurant! Do you want to come with us? Kenma is coming too. Please come with us! We are going out to celebrate because we won! WE WON! Did ya see me play Akaashi! What about my super awesome cut shot? Did you see that? What did you think? Coach said I played really well tonight! Although, I am kinda interested in hearing what you have to say! Like, I guess there was some stuff I could have don-“

Akaashi was thinking tactfully about how he was going to answer all of Bokuto’s questions the entire time he was ranting. He also decided that he needed to begin answering them immediately, or else he might not ever get the chance to speak again.

“You played really well tonight, Bokuto-san. I really enjoyed the game. And yes, I will go with you to the restaurant, although I don’t think I have heard of an owl themed restaurant around here.” Akaashi apprehensively eyed Kuroo, who had a devilish smirk. Akaashi did not think he liked that mischievous look in Kuroo’s eye.

Akaashi could only hope for the best.

Kuroo handed Bokuto his gym bag and Bokuto gracefully stuffed his dampened towel in it. Akaashi was about to ask which direction they were headed but Kuroo began talking again.

“The place really isn't in walking distance so, Oikawa said he’d give us a ride. He’s got space in his car.” Kuroo disclosed and then started walking towards the parking lot.

Everyone began to follow.

This ‘Oikawa’ really did not have much space in his car. He had an SUV and although it had seven seats, two of them in the very back were unable to be sat in because of the four sets of volleyball bags that were piled in them. They would have been able to fit in the trunk if not for the, not one but _two_ mesh bags that were filled to the brim with volleyballs. Seriously. Who needed that many balls?

Poor Kenma was squished in the very backseat by default, being the shortest out of everyone in the group. Akaashi pitied him and feared that if Oikawa made a too sharp turn then the mountain of gym bags on either side of Kenma would avalanche on him. He seriously may never be seen again if that happened. Then they would have to call a search party to uncover his buried body. Then the poor search party might have to discover what was inside those gym bags and judging on the way Bokuto precariously stuffed his wet, used towel in his bag, there were sure to be some living organisms lurking in them. It was just bad news all around, really.

Akaashi’s situation was only slightly better than Kenma’s. Although maybe Akaashi envied Kenma slightly because while Kenma was sandwiched between living organisms who couldn’t speak, Akaashi was sandwiched between two living organisms who just would not _stop_ speaking.

Whether it was bickering back and forth with each other or horribly singing whatever was playing through the radio, Kuroo and Bokuto would _not_ shut up. Akaashi felt his eye start twitching only five minutes into the ride.

Akaashi could not even be saved by the grace of good music because, Oikawa was playing his own playlist, which he ensured everyone was a “masterpiece.” Akaashi had only just been introduced to the rambunctious brunette, and his first impression of him is that he was a dirty, rotten _liar_ because this playlist was the furthest thing from a “masterpiece.” It was god awful. It made Akaashi wish he did not have ears. It wasn’t even a simple _Top 40_ songs playlist, no, it was almost like Oikawa scoured the Earth to find the worst, most awful songs ever created and then he compiled them all on a playlist that might as well have been labeled 'hot garbage.' It was almost like he wanted to watch everyone in the car with him suffer. Surely, he couldn’t _actually_ like the music that he was playing. His off-beat head bopping and tapping on the steering wheel just had to be an act. There was just _no_ way.

Then again, Akaashi was stuck between two idiots who happened to know the words to every song on this playlist, so who knows.

Akaashi glanced around the car and found solace in the fact that maybe he was not the only sane one in the car because Kenma had earphones stuffed in his ears and the man who was sitting in the front passenger seat, Iwaizumi, another player on Fukorodani, was glaring holes into the side of Oikawa’s head.

_Whew_. Akaashi thought he was going insane for a moment there.

On second thought, Akaashi wishes he _was_ insane because then he might be able to forget the image of Kuroo and Bokuto lovingly staring and grasping one another’s face, while belting the lyrics of ‘ _Call Me Maybe’_ at each other. Akaashi was in the middle of it too. Two idiots screaming in both of his ears. Akaashi thought his ears were going melt off by the end of the ride.

Akaashi thought he was generally good at maintaining his composure but you see, that’s a very hard thing to do when you’re in a car half filled with idiots and half filled with people who don’t know how to handle idiots.

What can they say? There’s no “ _How to train your idiot (for dummies)”_ book available yet.

Maybe Akaashi would have to write one and share his experience with the world. Maybe he could save someone else from suffering the way he, Kenma and Iwaizumi were suffering right now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i had a lot of fun with this chapter. 
> 
> also, i very much headcanon that oikawa has just absolutely awful taste in music. and maybe he likes to watch ppl suffer through his songs in the car just a tad. 
> 
> thnx for reading! :P


	11. naming this chapter is hard lol

After suffering the rest of the way through the car ride (and almost getting into two car accidents, which somehow was an “improvement” according to Iwaizumi) the overstuffed SUV lurched to a stop in a parking lot.

Akaashi immediately checked the backseat to make sure that Kenma wasn’t buried alive. Luckily, he had survived, though the look on his face said that he wished he didn’t survive. Akaashi understood Kenma was producing such a look when he noticed the feint orange glow that was shining through the windows of the car and casting on everyone’s faces.

_Oh no._

The “owl themed” restaurant that Kuroo had talked about had turned out to be a lovely little place called “ _Hooters,”_ and though the name may suggest otherwise, there were actually no owls present at that kind of establishment. Hooters was less about the birds and more about the boobs. Bokuto had to have realized this by now.

“Kuroo! Look, you’re right! In the name on the sign, they’ve got a little owl picture in between the two o’s! Wow! They’re owl eyes!” Bokuto gushed as he fumbled with his seatbelt latch excitedly. “I wonder what type of owls they’re going to have here!”

Bokuto was being illuminated by the orange glow of the lights that lit up the restaurant. The dingy orange hue of the LED lights did nothing to dampen the pure excitement that was spread across Bokuto’s features. The look of happiness that Bokuto was wearing was magnificent and Akaashi yearned for that same simple joy that Bokuto could find through such little things.

But, Bokuto’s pureness aside, Akaashi wanted to disappear forever because they were not, in fact, at a restaurant that was dedicated to owls- they were at a bar with chicken wings and half naked workers.

Scratch that, he can’t disappear quite yet. There’s a black-haired, idiot cackling and sitting next to him that needs to be dealt with first.

Akaashi wasted no time and brought his middle finger and thumb directly on the middle of Kuroo’s forehead and put all his strength into the hardest forehead flick he could muster. Kuroo dramatically clutched his head and complained loudly.

Akaashi ignored him and turned to Bokuto, who he was just about to break the news to, but Bokuto was stumbling out of the recently unlocked car door and zooming towards the orange glowing restaurant. Akaashi sighed.

“Kuroo, you’re evil.” Akaashi announced.

He heard Kenma make a sound of agreement in the back.

Akaashi shook his head once more before getting out of the car and pushing down the middle seat so that Kenma could escape his prison as well. As Akaashi looked at the entrance of the restaurant he wondered how the _destination_ could possibly be worse than the drive, considering how the drive made Akaashi want to mutate his body in a way so that he wouldn’t have ears.

Akaashi was _not_ looking forward to this.

Its not that he was judging the people who worked here; it was just a restaurant and the workers there were just doing their jobs and following the rules and mandatory dress code of the company. The issue for Akaashi was the general atmosphere and type of crowd that places like these attracted. Most of the customers were all so very aggressively straight. He certainly did not appreciate all of the ‘ _hooting_ ’ and hollering from the patrons that the workers had to deal with and Akaashi could not imagine how the workers felt about it.

He began walking along side Oikawa, who was pestering Iwaizumi about something but Akaashi didn’t even attempt to pay attention to what they were bickering about. He slowed his pace down so that he could fall into step with Kenma. Kenma had his hands shoved his hoodie pocket and had a dull look on his face.

“If I would have known that this was where we were going, I would have told you. I apologize for… well, for Kuroo in general.” Kenma mumbled but, he spoke loud enough so that Kuroo, who was behind them, could hear the distaste within Kenma’s words.

Kuroo scoffed loudly but, said nothing in return to Kenma.

“It’s okay, Kenma, you don’t have to apologize.” Akaashi dismissed and smiled politely.

He thanked Iwaizumi who was holding the door open for the rest of the crew. As he entered the restaurant, he was met with the sight of a very dejected, and red Bokuto. He was sitting on a bench near the entrance, slouched over and looking at his shoes.

Akaashi immediately sat next to the poor man, planning on attempting to comfort the man.

Bokuto looked up at the rest of the group when Akaashi sat down he sat down.

“I already put our names down, so you guys don’t have to worry about that.” Bokuto spoke quietly. “They said they’re cleaning a table off for us right now.”

“Bo, its okay, it was just a joke bro,” Kuroo snickered at Bokuto’s downtrodden state.

“Owls are _never_ a joke, Kuroo.” Bokuto stated, his already wide eyes getting impossibly wider.

Kuroo just laughed.

Akaashi did not know what to say. He did not know how to handle this situation. Sure, Bokuto looked upset, but Akaashi did not know how to gauge just _how_ upset Bokuto was. Was he actually hurt that his friend played a stupid joke on him, or was it just a stupid joke to Bokuto too and maybe his dramatic act is payback? This is what frustrates Akaashi the most. He does not understand emotions. When Akaashi is upset or having a ‘moment,’ he can’t even begin to describe how he’s feeling- or if he’s feeling anything at all for that matter- let alone attempt to understand how to comfort someone else. It was all so complicated and messy and no matter what books Akaashi read or websites he scanned through. He wasn’t sure that he would ever be able to understand the world of emotions. It was mounds of sticky and tangled web and Akaashi was stuck at the base. There were so many levels to it. Some people are sensitive and small things can push them over the edge, and some people can take and take and _take_ and still come out smiling at the end of the day. How was Akaashi supposed to decipher these differences? Know what was a joke? Know what was too far? Know how to comfort either situation? How was he supposed to know the ins and outs of something he had no experience with? He doesn’t know. And it is awful.

_‘And you think Bokuto deserves someone who doesn’t know how to comfort him?’_ Akaashi’s brain adequately provided.

He wants to think his thoughts are wrong, but they’re right. They are right and it _hurts._ It would never be fair to Bokuto for Akaashi to be like this.

Bokuto is the sun, and every sun deserves the world.

As they sat on the hard, wooden bench waiting for a table at _Hooters,_ Akaashi became aware that he may never that for Bokuto. He may never be good enough.

Even if currently, Bokuto isn’t actually upset- which is coming more apparent by the way he is now currently discussing the tactics they used in their game with Iwaizumi, Oikawa and Kuroo- what will happen when he _is_ actually upset? Akaashi wouldn’t know how to handle that just as he didn’t know what to do here.

Akaashi was spiraling. He felt that even though he made two steps in the right direction today, a hit like this would send him tumbling back down into the dark and omit any progress he thought he made. How could he think that he could be worthy of a man that shone like the sun? How could he think he was worthy of interacting with any of any of these people? Of someone as downright hilarious as Kuroo, or thoughtful as Kenma, or even the two newcomers, Iwaizumi, and Oikawa, who had already welcomed him like he was part of the group? They were so willing and kind and happy and _everything_ that Akaashi was not. Akaashi can’t believe he allowed himself to get so ahead of himself today. Who did he think he was? How could he be so selfish to these people by tagging along like this? Maybe there were doing it out of pity. Maybe because Kuroo’s his roommate and he’s forced to interact with him, maybe that’s why he’s being so nice. Similarly, to how Bokuto is in his class and sits next to him. Maybe they only said that Akaashi was their friend because of their positions. They were just too nice to be honest.

Akaashi was staring at his sneakers and fiddling with his fingers in his lap, doing nothing but blinking, breathing, and thinking. A hand that was placed on his knee pulled him from his thoughts and into the present. He would have to worry about those thoughts later.

“Tables ready, Kaashi.” Bokuto beamed.

As perfect as it was, that smile felt like a punch in the gut to Akaashi. He could never be worthy of something that was able to smile like that.

Akaashi just nodded.

Akaashi followed a step behind the large group. He hadn’t even noticed that the rest of the team had arrived. They probably got here while Akaashi was wallowing. Just how pitiful can he be?

He was already making plans that after tonight, Akaashi would stop bothering them. He wouldn’t burden them anymore. He wouldn’t text Bokuto or Kuroo, that way they wouldn’t have to feel obligated to text Akaashi back. He would go back to hiding in his room, so that he wouldn’t bother Kuroo or Kenma.

Bokuto sat down at the table first and scooted a chair close to his side. He called Akaashi to come sit by him, along with something else, but the buzzing in Akaashi’s ears prevented him from hearing the entire sentence.

Akaashi sat down next to Bokuto without saying anything.

_Just act right, for once in your miserable little life. Don’t bring down the mood. Just act happy, just for tonight. Just while you’re here._

Akaashi tried to forget about what he was thinking and focus on the loud banter that the group of teammates were throwing back and forth at each other. He noticed that everyone’s mouths were moving but no matter how hard he tried to pay attention and listen to what they were saying, Akaashi just couldn’t understand it over the buzzing.

_Not now, not right now please._

The buzzing was always a telltale sign that Akaashi was going to have a moment. He tried his best to ignore it and looked around the table, solely focusing on keeping his face neutral. His eyes moved around the table until they were caught by gold ones. They were daring, bold, and questioning. These gold eyes were a different shade than Bokuto’s. Kenma squinted at Akaashi. His lips were pressed in a thin, straight line; his mouth didn’t speak because the look in his eyes said everything for him. They were asking Akaashi the infamous ‘are you okay’ that Akaashi never wanted to answer. But this question, spoken from the depths of Kenma’s golden eyes, wasn’t probing and prying Akaashi for answers, no, it was much gentler than that. In a weird way, it felt like a hug.

Kenma whispered something in Kuroo’s ear before saying something to Akaashi.

Akaashi couldn’t hear what Kenma was saying, but he was able to read one word from Kenma’s lips, which was “come.”

Kenma stood and Akaashi was hesitant to follow. Nonetheless, he mumbled a quick “excuse me” to the table before following in Kenma’s footsteps.

His body was already moving on autopilot at that point. He wondered how long it would be until he was wreathing and rolling and throwing up on the floor of the _Hooters_ bathroom, which is exactly the place that Kenma took Akaashi.

Akaashi remembered thinking that Kenma’s stare, though as intense as it was, felt like a hug. However, nothing could compare to Kenma’s actual hug. As soon as the bathroom door shut, Kenma wrapped his arms tightly around Akaashi’s waist and laid his head flat on Akaashi’s chest. Akaashi was stunned and he did not know how to react. His arms were lying limply at his sides, but it did not deter Kenma. Kenma didn’t relinquish his grip. Akaashi didn’t think he wanted him to.

Kenma didn’t speak. His actions were speaking for him. Somehow, every fiber of Akaashi’s being felt like it was being electrocuted. It didn’t hurt, but it felt like he was being woken up from whatever hell he was moments away from falling into. This hug, it felt like Kenma saw Akaashi dangling off the edge of the cliff, and just as he Akaashi began his descent, Kenma caught him. This hug was Kenma’s fingers wrapped around Akaashi’s wrist, pulling him away from the side of the cliff. He pulled him over to the grass where Kenma was laying. This hug was calm. It was working. It was so nice.

Akaashi didn’t know when, but eventually his arms wrapped around Kenma’s shoulders too. They hung loosely compared to Kenma’s iron grip. Akaashi’s hug was saying thank you but Kenma’s hug was saying that he wasn’t letting go quite yet.

A couple minutes ticked by and Akaashi felt grounded. The buzzing in his ears had stopped because he heard Kenma’s next words very clearly.

“Are you ready? We can stay longer if you’d like.” 

Akaashi cleared his throat.

“We can go back out there.”

Kenma let Akaashi go but the residual warmth Akaashi felt when he was being held by Kenma stayed. Akaashi felt the warmth deep in his bones, maybe even in his heart. He didn’t think that feeling was going to go away.

Kenma didn’t pry. He didn’t do anything but let Akaashi know he was there.

As they walked back to the table, Akaashi realized that Kenma did not have to do that. Kenma had no obligation to hug him like that. Kenma’s observant eyes caught Akaashi in a moment of need and while he could have ignored him and went along with the jostling of the group, Kenma reached his hand out. Maybe that’s what friends were for.

Akaashi had never known what he was supposed to do when he knew that he was about to have a ‘moment.’ He never knew how to respond, how to prevent them, how he was supposed to act. He usually just let them run their course. He usually just let them take their toll on his already worn-down body. But Akaashi feels that Kenma just opened his eyes. Maybe now, he had an answer for what he needed when he was upset. Maybe, he needed a hug. Maybe he just needed to not be alone. Because, whatever that was, it worked. Akaashi was spiraling for a second there, and that hug from Kenma just pulled him out of what could have been very, _very_ bad.

Maybe that was what he could do for Bokuto when he was upset. Or Kuroo. Or Kenma. Or any of the idiots on this volleyball team, because if he could save someone else like Kenma just saved him, then Akaashi was sure he was going to be giving out hugs for the rest of his life. It was so simple, that it seemed obvious. Kenma cares for Akaashi and it was very likely that Kuroo and Bokuto did too. 

Akaashi regained his hope back but, he felt it stutter once again as he sat down and saw the waitress taking everyone’s drink orders.

A menu was laid down in front of Akaashi. The waitressed asked Akaashi for his drink order and he politely ordered a water but then turned his attention back to his menu. He hadn't touched it yet, hadn't picked it up but he could already see the numbers that were dancing on the front page. Akaashi wasn’t even reading the names of the menu items, because the numbers denoting the amount of calories that sat beside them seemed to scream for Akaashi’s attention just that much louder.

He wanted to get better but, it was just so hard.

Akaashi felt like he couldn’t catch a break.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> first day of spring semester pray 4 me


	12. Ignoring is hard

Akaashi had never expected it to be easy. Nothing was ever _given_ to him. He knew he’d be climbing an uphill battle, attempting to deal with his demons.

That’s why he was completely baffled by the emotions that he was overcome with as he was surrounded by all of these people at the bar. After he had come back from the bathroom with Kenma, Akaashi became hyper aware of everything that was going on around him: the clattering of ice as it swished around in carbonated drinks, the clinks of glasses as they connected with the wooden table, the sound of laughter spilling from the lips of his friends. It was the sound of happiness; it was the sound of life. Theses noises that surrounded Akaashi were more demanding. They were louder than the voices that were screaming numbers into his ears. Even as he stared at the menu that was in his hands, he couldn’t focus on it, not when Bokuto was sitting as close as he was, knocking knees with Akaashi, not when Kenma was throwing small smiles at Akaashi from across the table. 

And even though Akaashi ordered the item with the least number of calories, he wasn’t paying attention to it as much as he thought he would.

He did, however, pay attention to the fact that Kenma had ordered the exact same thing as him. Akaashi knew what he got was only a small salad, so he was worried that Kenma was going to be hungry later.

Akaashi was quickly distracted from this though. The table had already been loud but, after the waitress had taken everyone’s orders and left, the table seemed to get even _louder._ One of Bokuto’s teammates with orange hair seemed to be talking about how pretty the waitress was. Akaashi agreed but didn’t say anything. She was pretty. Long, soft hair, and a perfect body. Bokuto agreed with the orange-haired teammate out loud, which was absolutely fine, but it made Akaashi very aware of a pressing fact.

He had absolutely no clue whether or not Bokuto was even attracted to men. He could possibly be pinning after a man who isn’t even looking in his direction. Akaashi knew his luck with this type of thing, or any type of thing for that matter, was never particularly good but, he might as well try. Akaashi liked to look at things from an outside point of view, without bias. I mean sure, it was a possibility that Bokuto was just outwardly friendly, but he _had_ paid for Akaashi’s food the two times they had gone to get coffee, _and_ he showed Akaashi the cliffside, and _sure_ Bokuto was a very handsy person but he didn’t see Bokuto picking up and hugging anyone else or requesting to sit next to anyone else like he had for Akaashi. Maybe Akaashi was looking and thinking into this too hard, but overthinking is what Akaashi did best.

The rest of dinner went by without a hitch. Well, besides the fact that Bokuto had Akaashi laughing so hard at one point that soda came out of his nose but that was far too embarrassing, and Akaashi was going to try his hardest to forget that little fact. He’d remember the laughter though.

Akaashi had managed to finish his entire meal too. He made sure to mentally give himself a pat on the back.

During the hectic car ride back, Bokuto requested that Oikawa pullover and drop him and Akaashi off at the trail that led to the cliffside. Bokuto had asked Akaashi if he wanted to first, and of course Akaashi agreed because who wouldn’t want to spend more time with Bokuto.

The night had caused chills to gently shake Akaashi’s body. As they walked silently along the trail, Akaashi took a moment to look at the trees that surrounded them. Their leaves were whistling with the light wind. It was so dark that Akaashi couldn’t even tell that the leaves were green; they looked black. Akaashi thought someone should really put up a couple lights out here. Akaashi walked a little closer to Bokuto. If he were by himself, he would be terrified but for some reason, he felt alright with Bokuto here.

They hadn’t really talked the whole walk to the cliffside. The silence was comforting. Akaashi wasn’t really sure why they were here but he didn’t mind. When they got to the cliff, Akaashi had expected Bokuto to sit down but he didn’t. Instead, he turned to Akaashi. Akaashi stopped walking, staring at Bokuto. The wind picked up the dark curls of hair on his head, forcing a little chunk of hair to fall into his eyes. Bokuto took a step closer. Akaashi didn’t know what Bokuto was up to. Bokuto slowly raised his arm, up to Akaashi’s temple. Akaashi stopped breathing but he allowed his brain go into overdrive. Bokuto was so close to him right now.

Bokuto used two calloused fingertips to push the hair that had fallen into Akaashi’s eyes away, then his fingertips trailed slowly down the side of Akaashi’s cheek. Akaashi skin was chilly from the nighttime air and Akaashi wasn’t sure if he was imagining the trail of heat that followed Bokuto’s gentle touch. His touch was so soft, it was barely there, but Akaashi swore that he could feel it deep in his bones. Akaashi had still yet to breathe.

Bokuto’s two fingers traced the edge of Akaashi’s jaw, slow and deliberate. Akaashi could feel his heart pumping in his ears. Akaashi’s eyes fluttered shut when Bokuto curled his index finger under Akaashi’s jaw and placed his thumb on top of his chin, with a pressure so light and airy that Akaashi thought that at any second it might float away. Akaashi could feel the edge of Bokuto’s thumb at the bottom of his lip. It tingled. Akaashi’s arms were straight against his sides and his fists were tightly squeezed shut. Akaashi didn’t dare to open his eyes.

What was happening? Was Akaashi imagining this?

Was he really about to get kissed… by Bokuto?

Akaashi physically gulped when he felt Bokuto gently tug his chin upward.

_Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god,_ Akaashi thought.

And then, as his head was still being lifted to face upwards, almost straight up, Akaashi thought, _okay, Bokuto is tall but he’s not that tall. What is going on?_

“Open your eyes.” Bokuto whispered, as his touch fell from Akaashi’s face.

And so, Akaashi did. His eyes fluttered open and he wasn’t met with a kiss from Bokuto.

He was met with the night sky. Akaashi sucked in a breath.

He was staring at the stars, the most that Akaashi had ever seen before.

It seemed like he was looking at a dark blue sheet that had millions of tiny holes poked through it. There wasn’t a single cloud obstructing the view, but with how brightly the stars were shining, Akaashi was pretty sure that even if there was a cloud, the stars would surely sparkle right through it. The stars were shining _so_ bright. And sure, Akaashi had looked up at the sky before but something about tonight made Akaashi think that this was absolutely the most beautiful night sky he had ever seen.

Nothing was obstructing his view of the sky. The moon was behind him, and the cliffside outlooked trees. There was no light pollution around here like there was on campus.

Akaashi stared.

He had heard that when some people thought about space, they begin to feel small and insignificant. Akaashi had never really given it much thought, but right now when he was staring at the stars, confronting them, he felt like he was being forced to think about it. Right now, Akaashi didn’t feel small. Akaashi didn’t feel insignificant. He felt like each star in the sky was capturing him in a little embrace. He felt like the stars had picked every last ounce of anxiety out of his skin, using their shine to pluck it directly out of the pores they radiated on. He couldn’t believe that he was able to see what he was seeing right now. He couldn’t believe that he was able to _exist_ at the same time as these stars. It was stunning.

Akaashi stared.

He was scared that if he were to blink, they would all disappear because there was no way this was actually _real_.

Eventually, the ache in his neck forced Akaashi’s stare back down to Bokuto.

The lusters in the sky reflected off the shine in Bokuto’s eyes.

It was one thing when Akaashi was staring at the stars, but now a star was staring back at him.

“Wow.” Was all that would come out of Akaashi’s mouth.

“Yeah.” Bokuto said with an almost _shy_ smile. “Pretty clear tonight, I thought it might look good.”

“Do you know a lot about space?” Akaashi asked, curious.

“Not a damn thing.”

\-----

Akaashi slept an almost restless sleep that night. However, for once, it wasn’t caused because of anxiety, or sadness. It was because every time he would try to close his eyes, he would see the light from the stars like they were painted on the backs of his eyelids. Or he would hear the happy sounds he heard earlier from dinner. Or he would remember the way Bokuto played during the game. It was all just so much, but Akaashi didn’t think he would ever be able to get enough.

But eventually, he had fallen asleep, and he swore he could still feel lingering touches prickling all over his skin. He couldn’t decide whether it was from the stars that had embraced him in their light or the _star_ that had grazed the side of his cheek, that had brushed the hair from his eyes, took his chin between two calloused fingers, and showed him a sight that he would never forget.

Akaashi woke up to a text that morning. A text from an unknown number. All it had said was “ _lets get lunch, @ 12. – K.”_

Akaashi had sent a confirmation back to Kenma and gotten ready for class.

\-----

As the weeks went by, Akaashi realized something.

Now, Akaashi was already keenly aware of how much his life had changed in the short time he had known Bokuto, but ever since that night, the night where Bokuto had showed Akaashi the stars, Akaashi had noticed a distinct shift in his routine, and that was the fact that he actually had one now _._

Kenma would try to get lunch with Akaashi at least twice a week. Whether it be them going out for food or having lunch at either’s apartment, Kenma seemed to always make the time for Akaashi. He would _always_ eat exactly what Akaashi ate too, Akaashi had noticed. He didn’t say anything though, maybe he was just indecisive with menus. Akaashi appreciated it, nonetheless. He found conversation came easily with Kenma. He learned more and more about the things Kenma liked to do. He even found himself getting excited when Kenma got excited, talking about new video games, even though Akaashi never really understood much. He had felt them getting close.

Kuroo would even make more of an effort to spend time with Akaashi. They had started watching a show together, so when new episodes came out, neither was allowed to watch unless they were together.

Akaashi had also worked up the courage to direct message Oikawa on Instagram, being cheeky and sending him the link to a better playlist. Oikawa had acted like he was offended but eventually gave Akaashi his number, which Akaashi added to his growing contacts. They would text every so often, and Oikawa being the character he was, would always have Akaashi in tears from some of the outrageous things he would say. Oikawa simply had no filter.

Every Friday night, Akaashi would go to the home games and watch the team play. They were doing _so_ good this season; they hadn’t lost a game yet.

Bokuto would drag Akaashi out, although it never really took much convincing, to see the stars any night the sky was free of clouds, and he would ask Akaashi to accompany him any time during the day when they were free and thought the weather was nice. Akaashi was particularly fond of moments like that.

Akaashi had used to struggle with the blandness of his life, but now he was struggling with keeping up with the excitement. It was too much, but again, Akaashi couldn’t get enough. 

Things weren’t becoming easier for Akaashi, but everything was a hell of a lot more bearable when he was surrounded by these people.

These past few weeks, Akaashi had found out that, while Bokuto was surely the brightest in his eyes, he was placed among a plethora of stars.

And it was hard to ignore people who shined this bright.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm surviving the semester. i love all my classes! i'm starting at a new job next week though, that's kinda crazy. 
> 
> thank you for reading!

**Author's Note:**

> would love to hear yalls thoughts


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